Jeff: What up.
Eddie: Fo' shizzle.
Im not really new to but I started a new account because well, I wrote some stuff that I would like o pretend never happened.
Analyn: Like that sentence for one.
Eddie: "Hey, my older stuff sucked. That's exactly why you'll read this story!"
So here is my first fic to be posted on this new name! YAY for new beginnings! dance Okay heres the deal.
Jeff: ... "dance".
Analyn: I'm using that in the future.
Eddie: Really? That makes me happy dance.
This is a Baten Kaitos ficceh. (utter shock and amazement)
Since I cant just leave the Guardian Spirit out, I gave it a name and based it off of a friend of mine. Mind you this friend thought the game was hysterical and kept screaming I WANT TO EAT YOUR SOUL! at Xelha at the beginning of the game,
Analyn: Comedy greats in history -- John Belushi, Bill Cosby, Eddie Murphy, this guy.
so be ready for some sarcasm. Especially when dealing with Xelha Because, I honestly cant stand the girl.
Eddie: [raises his hand] Can we please read the story now?
I just hate her. No Kalas/Xelha relationships here. This is going to end up as a Kalas/Lyude so if your not into shounen ai, leave now.
Jeff: Wait, that makes no sense.
Analyn: Why not?
Jeff: Lyude's a chick. Right?
Analyn: What? No, Lyude's a guy.
Jeff: That's not possible!
Eddie: The website says so and everything.
Jeff: What? No! But ... but I have these pictures and ... no!
Analyn: Someone's thing for redheads fails him again.
Jeff: No! [sob]
All flames received will be laughed at for a week then donated to a homeless shelter to provide warmth. So dont bother. (Unless you want to help keep the homeless people warm! ) Right.
Analyn: [Author] Congratulations, I'm better than you if you don't like my story!
Key blah thoughts
Jeff: Really, I'm just obligated at this point to mention that good writing never has keys.
Eddie: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. The best of times will be in boldface, while the worst will be underlined..."
blah Guardian Spirit talking (Tokitoh aka Toki)
Disclaimer: Self explanatory. (dis not claim own)
Eddie: [lawyer] Well, shoot! I was gonna sue, but never you mind, what with that professional legalese and all!
Baten Kaitos and all of its characters belong to Namco and all them. Toki is Toki, and therefore belongs to Toki.
Analyn: To be fair, it would take someone with several years of schooling to figure out what either of those two statements mean.
Falling for you
Eddie: Maybe we're gonna get lucky and this'll be like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon ... ?
The sun was shining.
All: On the sea, shining with all its might. It did its very best to make the billows smooth and bright. And this was odd, because it was the middle of the night!
The birds were singing.
Jeff: Dear God, we've stepped into a Disney cartoon!
A few cottony clouds scuttled across the horizon playing tag with the light breeze. It was a beautiful day.
Eddie: Hey, guys?
Eddie: It's nice out.
Jeff: You sure?
Eddie: Pretty sure.
Jeff: What with all the clouds playing tag ...
Eddie: No, I'm sure.
Mou! Kalas? Are you listening to me? Kalas! Xelha whined, crossing her arms and glaring lightly.
Analyn: Penalty, you can't glare lightly! She either melts steal or just looks upset.
Jeff: Well geez, that WHINE could melt steel...
Wha? Kalas started, seeming to fall out of his reverie with a thunk. Well, it HAD been a beautiful day.
Eddie: Is ... is it even professional to let your hatred for a character shine through like this?
Such a beautiful day in fact, the whole group had piled out onto the deck to enjoy the morning.
Jeff: Shouldn't it be a beautiful MORNING, then?
Analyn: Oh good, a contradiction within a sentence. We're in for a good ride.
Unfortunately, Xelha had managed to corner him and in attempt to talk his ears off of his head, tried to start a conversation.
Eddie: Seriously, author, take a chill pill. If you didn't like Xelha so much, there's no law that said you even had to put her in your fic!
Analyn: Not to mention that this is pretty OOC. Xelha was pretty kind and quiet, wasn't she? Am I missing something?
So far, it had been more of a Kalas-sits-and-stares-while-Xelha-talks-n
Jeff: Isn't that how it always is when men and women talk?
Analyn: Hey! You take that back!
Jeff: What was that, Annie? I wasn't listening.
He blinked in confusion at the angry girl in front of him. Um, sorry. Must have zoned out there. What were you saying? Not that he really cared about about what she was babbling about, but it was easiest to just let her talk and just feign interest. Xelha seemed satisfied with his response and quickly resumed chattering away feverishly about nothing in particular.
Eddie: Did the author play the game or look at pretty pictures on the NAMCO site?
Kalas sighed lightly
Analyn: In some circles, we call that "breathing out."
and let his eyes wander around the deck of the Mindeer, occasionally nodding or throwing in a Really? or Yeah., just to keep up the appearance that he was, indeed, listening.
Jeff: [Xelha] So I was up on the stirrups --
Analyn: [Kalas] Yeah.
Jeff: [Xelha] And the doctor was prodding me to take a sample.
Analyn: [Kalas] Really?
Jeff: [Xelha] When he found a rash under my outer -- well, you know. You ever get one of those?
Analyn: [Kalas] Yeah.
Jeff: [Xelha] Kalas, men don't have that part.
Analyn: [Kalas] Really?
Gibari was playing a game of cards, possibly poker, with Savyna,
Jeff and Eddie: Strip poker!
and was losing badly judging from the muttered curses and angry gestures regularly emitted from their little corner of the deck.
Eddie: Eww! Eww! No strip poker!
Mizuti was trying to meditate,
Analyn: See, author, you want an annoying chatterbox, HERE'S one for you.
Jeff: [Mizuti] THE GREAT MIZUTI WILL BE MEDITATING NOW, PLEASE PAY ATTENTION.
All: [Mizuti] WE HEROES HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!
unsuccessfully due to a very determined Meemai. Obviously, Kalas wasnt the only bored one on deck.
Eddie: Wait, they're bored because they're all playing games with each other?
Analyn: So they went outside to enjoy the day, except they're not enjoying it. Okay, sure.
Eventually, Mizuti gave up and started playing a game with the little Greythorne, which consisted of hiding his treats in random pockets
Jeff: Okay, eww. Creepy old man factor VERY HIGH right now.
then racing across the deck in an effort to escape the wrath of the little hungry creature. Lyude had found a corner all to himself and had been napping on and off nearly all morning, depending on when the shade happened to fall on him. He had been quite,
Analyn: ... um, yes. Yes he had been quite.
except for the occasional grunt or sigh when he resituated himself to keep a limb or two from falling asleep on him.
Jeff: That makes it sounds like there's trees. You know, on an air ship.
Analyn: Giant trees that sleep on people?
Eddie: Also, it sings songs and leaves quarters under your pillow.
Kalass gaze rested on him for a moment and Lyude looked up. Their eyes met for a split second, and Lyude looked away first.
Eddie: Audiences will not be seated during the thrilling LOOK scenes!
Hm. Wonder whats up with him today? Kalas thought to himself.
Jeff: What with him looking around and all.
Well, he has been staring at you nearly all morning. Piped a little voice in the back of his head.
Analyn: Nearly all morning being defined as "glancing by once?"
What? Oh, shut up. No he wasnt. Kalas snapped back.
Hey. Im your guardian spirit. I guard. I observe. I comment upon. Its what I do. The voice quipped in return.
Eddie: He needs a New York accent.
Yeah, yeah. I know. Kalas shrugged at his invisible companion.
He was staring.
Shut up Toki. Kalas glanced at Lyude in time to see the red head look away.
Jeff: This kind of thing happens all the time! It's inconsequential. The author's been out in public, right?
Analyn: FANFIC author.
Told you. Toki muttered smugly.
So then the doctor says to my neighbor-
Jeff: This is nice, considering the doctor joke we made earlier.
Hey Xelha? Im going to go lie down or something, alright. Im kind of tired. Kalas interrupted smoothly.
Eddie: [singing] Tired of being admired...
Analyn: WE LOVE OUR ADVERBS!
Um, yeah, okay. Do you need anything? She asked concerned. Maybe he was sick! Maybe he was dying! Maybe he was-
All: In a stupid fanfic!
No. Im fine. Thanks for the offer. He stood and wandered over to the cabin door. He felt two pairs of eyes on him as he left,
Analyn: So. Random pairs of eyes detach from sockets regularly in this universe and latch on to people's clothing.
one was Xelha, he was sure, but the other He glanced over his shoulder and noticed Lyude watching him as he went.
Damn. Now Im being over observant, and a little paranoid to boot. Thanks! He thought angrily at Toki.
Eddie: Author, your adverbs are out of control at this point.
Analyn: Not to mention that every one you've used so far sucks.
Eddie: Step one, stop using them. Step two, go read Stephen King's "On Writing," you need it.
Any time! Was the cheery response. Kalas rolled his eyes and slipped through the door. He groaned and threw him self down onto one of the couches/ makeshift beds, closing his eyes to think.
Jeff: [Kalas] Oww oww oww oww oww!
He opened them again a moment later when the door opened and Lyude also walked in. He offered Kalas a smile and sat down on one of the other beds across the room. Kalas grumbled something inaudible and Toki snickered. Finally Kalas sat up and peered at Lyude through his blue bangs.
Analyn: [Kalas] So, Lyude, do you think I'm a raver or just the love child of Rei and Serge?
What was so interesting huh? Kalas asked. Lyude looked up at him in surprise.
What do you mean? He asked, brow furrowed in confusion.
Eddie: [Kalas] Why can't you stop staring at my hot, hot man body?!
I mean you were staring at me all morning. Why?
Jeff: You know, this makes Kalas sound fantastically conceited.
No I wasnt. Lyude protested enthusiastically, blushing lightly.
Analyn: Holy crap, a fanfic cliche and a crappy adverb in the same sentence!
Yes you were! Lyude jumped slightly at the sudden addition to the conversation. He had forgotten about the little spirit, and now it seemed he would pay the price. Kalas smirked.
I have a witness. Right pal?
Eddie: Kalas is paying the price by ... using Toki to his advantage?
Yuppers! Lyude fidgeted softly and his cheeks turned a darker shade of pink.
Jeff: Why does everyone in all of fanficdom have bad blood pressure?
Um Well, I guess I might have been looking-
er, starting at you. He ran a hand nervously through his red locks. I apologize. I wasnt meaning to stare. He offered weakly.
Analyn: And the issue is resolved and the fic ends here!
Jeff: How does this author get on in real life? "HE LOOKED AT ME HE WANTS ME TO HAVE HIS BABIES."
Kalas blinked at him from across the room.
So what? Lyude seemed even more baffled than before.
Eddie: You and me and everyone else.
Jeff: You know, I look at my parents a lot. Do I want to have sex with them?
Analyn: I look at you two all the time, and I sure as hell don't want to have sex with either of you.
So What was so interesting? Did I have something on my face? Kalas asked, leaning forward in interest causing Lyude to shift uncomfortably in place.
Jeff: [Lyude] Yeah, it's that freaking weird growth on your face, right in the middle there, it's just ... oh man, sorry dude, that's your nose.
Analyn: To be fair, how many guys do you see running around with neon blue hair? ... that aren't from California?
Well No you didnt have anything on your face, I just He sighed. It was nothing. Just never mind. He sighed again and let himself fall back onto the cushions. Kalas shrugged.
Analyn: See, a normal daily occurence would end here.
Eddie: ONWARD FICTION HO.
What? Kalas questioned. It wasnt like Toki to be silent at times like this.
Jeff: Usually, Toki was busy singing the greatest hits from the 1980s.
Normally he would be bombarded from all sides about how so-and-so did this and that and how much more he needs to learn how to read people, but for some reason, Toki wasnt saying a word.
Eddie: This is the most paranoid Kalas -- nay, the most paranoid fiction character -- I've ever seen. "OMG PEOPLE LOOK AT ME AND NOW THE VOICE IN MY HEAD WON'T TALK."
No really, what?
You really want to know huh? Okay. Dont say I didnt warn you.
Analyn: But ... you ... didn't?
It cant possibly be all that bad! Kalas rolled his eyes at his melodramatic friend.
Jeff: This fic is one giant eye roll.
No way he would freak out about something like this. He had better self-control than that. He quieted his thoughts so Toki would let him in on this new little secret.
Well A certain some one has a little crushiepoo on you Kalas.
Analyn: Because Lyude was looking at Kalas, this means he's got a "crushiepoo." I guess this means the guy that bags my groceries, he has a crush on me.
Jeff: The mailman, he has a crush on me.
Eddie: The guy in that alley that lives out of his shopping cart that we all call Mr. Spanky and who always invites us to his cardboard box for candy and puppies and fun games, he's got a crush on me?
Analyn: Eddie, we need to talk.
Eddie: He only has one eye, does that mean he only has half a crush on me?
Huh? If you mean Xelha, I already knew THAT!
All: I'm not conceited, I'm convinced!
No Well, yes Xelha, but thats not who I was referring to. There was a pause as Toki let this sink in.
Analyn: Prepare for the greatest Logic Disconnect fanfiction has ever known.
Kalas blinked. WHAT?
So that means-
Bingo. Kalas turned a few shades of pink, varying from light red to light purple. He couldnt believe what he was hearing.
But Im gay!
Or are you?
Jeff: So, Lyude is a male. Kalas is a male. Kalas is, as the second to last line states, homosexual. Lyude likes Kalas. This is a problem why!?
Analyn: Kalas! Sweetheart! If you like boys, and a boy likes you, then there is no issue! Unless you're hardcore Southern Baptist or something, that is, but I'm guessing that's not even a consideration.
Eddie: Why does Toki even say that last line? "Or are you?" Yes, yes you are gay, if you like men. It's really simple. If you have a penis, and you want another one, congratulations! You're a homosexual.
Analyn: The stupid, it's high in this fic.
Jeff: Maybe that last line of Toki's was because Lyude is really a girl and --
Analyn: Give it up, Jeff.
He wasnt sure if this last part was really Toki or if it was his own mind, but he blamed Toki for it anyway. By this time, Lyude had become suspicious of the awkward silence and sat up, to see Kalas trying to beat the Guardian Spirit out of his head with his fists.
Eddie: Why ... why haven't they gotten him help yet?
What are you DOING? He rushed over and grabbed Kalass fists before he could hit himself again. Are you insane?
Analyn: For serious, we can diagnose him with schizophrenia, paranoia, narcissism...
he forced his fists down to his sides. Kalas just blinked at him.
Eddie: Dangit, he's sitting there thinking kinky things, isn't he.
You could really hurt yourself doing that you know!
Well, uh Kalas had just noticed how much personal space he normally required, and Lyude was very much invading his space.
Analyn: Oh gott-dangit, we're gonna have to pretend this is some fakey love scene bull crap, aren't we. OMG he looks at me and keeps me from beating myself up, he must want to have my manbabies!
Jeff: Maybe we can fake it?
Analyn: Excuse me?
Jeff: Let's try it. For a few lines, we're just gonna be vapid rabid fangirls. Ready? Go!
Analyn: Okay ... ?
Jeff: No, no, hai.
Could you maybe-
What were you two talking about? Lyude asked leaning forward a little, unconsciously.
Eddie: [fangirl] OMG he's leaning!
Analyn: [fangirl] OMG they're gonna kiss!
Kalas leaned back, trying to avoid a face to face confrontation with the other boy. Literally.
Jeff: [fangirl] Tee hee! SUGOI KAWAII KALAS-SAN!
Wha? We werent talking about-
Dont lie to me Kalas.
Analyn: [fangirl] OMG he's gonna confess!
Yeah Kalas. Dont lie to him. Tell him all about your sudden revelation. Kalas and Lyude both blinked.
Eddie: [fangirl] EEEEE BLINKING!
What revelation? Lyude asked quietly. Kalas blinked again.
Jeff: The Nintendo one?
Analyn: That's a RevoLUTION, you idiot.
That hes not straight.
Analyn: Hold up! Hold up right there! He already knew! "But I'm gay!" he said!
Jeff: Shut up, we're fangirls. We don't comprehend, we look for the boy love.
Eddie: [fangirl] EEEE BUTT BABIES!
Im going to kill you. Seriously. I am. I swear. He was blushing a dark shade of pink and Lyude hadnt said anything.
All: [fangirl] EEE BLUSH OMG KAWAII DESU~~!
Analyn: [fangirl] Eee rouge!
Eddie: Isn't that French?
Analyn: Dangit, I suck. What's Japanese for red?
Jeff: I don't know, just shout neko or bento or sushi or something. I don't even think they know what they're saying.
Maybe Toki had been wrong. Maybe Lyude DIDNT like him like him. If that was true, he was in deep trouble. He paused in his musings and noticed that Lyude was still holding his arms at his sides And was practically straddling his waist.
Eddie: [fangirl] Tee hee, yaoi!
Jeff: [fangirl] Get to the assbabies!
He shivered lightly at their closeness.
Analyn: Ahem. The term is 'melt'. Shrivel implies a negative connotation, while melt is a light, pleasant experience, generally brought on by someone you're attracted to.
Jeff: And how long has it been since you've 'melted', oh expert Annie?
Annie: Well, it's been approximately I Hate You number of days.
Eddie: [fangirl] Less fighting more slash!
Jeff: Dude ... you're a little too into this.
There faces were a few centimeters apart.. He squeezed his eyes shut and leaned farther back, trying to sink right through the couch, maybe even through the floor,
Eddie: Well, he can't even figure out that being gay means that he can freely date men, so I somehow believe that he thinks he can move through solids.
Unfortunately this threw off the last few precious remains of balance that Lyude had been maintaining while still holding Kalass wrists.
Woah! Lyude exclaimed in surprise as he stumbled forward. Chest met chest, and shoulder met shoulder. Lips met lips.
All: [fangirl] EEE BOY KISS YAOI SLASH KAWAII NEKO DESU PINKU BENTO POCKY!
Analyn: I dub that a "Japangasm."
And the cabin door opened.
Jeff: Yes, lollerskates, out of the closet, omg all the others see, the list goes on.
Well? How was it? Should I continue? Or should I just let this plot bunny rot?
Analyn: Should we even answer?
Reviews help keep the plot bunny living! FEED THE PLOT BUNNY FOOL!
Eddie: Don't ... don't yell at me!
Eh heh. Anyway Please let me know what you thought of it.
Back -- Fangirl Review Theater