This is where I keep my ficbitches.

A ficbitch is where you take a piece of fanfiction and make fun of it. It's all in jest, so if you see your fic here, chill out and enjoy the fact that someone read it.

My preferred method of ficbitchery is the MST method, made popular in newsgroups and the like in the late 1990s when the single greatest show ever, Mystery Science Theater 3000 aired. I don't use Mike and the 'bots, though. I have three original characters to lambast my fics for me. Jeff, Eddie and Analyn are three disembodied voices with vague personalities that you'll meet as you read the ficbitches below.

These originally appeared on Ficbitch Anon, a Livejournal community. Formatting is important to these works, so to preserve how they look, each ficbitch is presented with a white background instead of the comforting purple-pink-brown color scheme of the main site.

Here we go:

Link Ficbitch -- Short, nonsense fic with Link and the pals. Part 1

Who Doesn't Like A Good Battle Bikini? -- Canon? Who needs canon when there's SHIPPING to be DONE OMG LOL KAWAII DESU. A FF6 offering. Original title: Winds of Freedom, by Shadow King. Part 1 - Read the Ficbitch Notes

Somewhere, The Music Educator In Me Just Died -- Standard shitty Pokemon fanfic. I am not dicking around when I say this is shitty fantic. Original title: The Marching Band Accident by Trombones^Baritones^Tubas. Part 1 - Read the Ficbitch Notes

Link's a Cool Dude and Zelda's an Ice Prude? -- Very plain OOC Zelda fic. Part 1

Crystal Crap -- A delightfully Freudian and overall crappy Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles fanfic. A "romance", as the author says. Original title: The Love that Almost Wasn't, by ChaosKing. Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3

Down On The Farm -- Emo Harvest Moon Fic? We got it! Original title: Her Frozen Heart by azn anime addict47. (No, really.) Part 1

We've Got the Sue of the Year Right Here -- GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY. This fic has the Sueiest Mary Sue to ever Sue Suely. I propose we change the name to Mary Serenety. Legend of Zelda fic, original title: Legend of Zelda: Staff of Power by serenitythefaierikin. Part 1 -- Part 2 -- Part 3 -- Fangirl Review Theater

Stolen Her Heart? Try Stolen My Brain -- There is purple prose, and there is this fic, which requires sunblock to read as it is ULTRAVIOLET. Come for the shitty language, stay for the creepy obsessive cloaked rape! Seiken Densetsu 3 fic, but just barely. Seriously, there's like one passing reference to canon. Original title: Beautiful Mind by BSH. Part 1

Gay? GAY?! I Can't Be Gay, I'm Attracted to My Own Gender! -- Kay, so the title kind of gives away the big stupid twist in this fic. And that exchange actually happens, too! It's a Baten Kaitos fic, but don't worry about knowing too much canon -- the author didn't! Original Title: Falling for You by schizohidaka. Part 1 -- Fangirl Review Theater

Lucky For Us, The Crap Doesn't Go On -- Short. Sucky. That's the perfect description of this Chrono Trigger fic that, for some crazy ass reason, involves the movie Titanic. Look, I don't get it either. No one does. Just go read. Original title: My Heart Will Go On by banjkazfan. Part 1

Isn't This Plot, Like, A Million Years Old? -- Pretty plain, pretty tired old Harry Potter fanfic. Terrible grammar. Original title: Waiting for Someone Like You by SoccerSmartie. Part 1 -- Fangirl Review Theater

Robot Nipples -- an utterly bizzare Xenosaga II fanfic where people with the same names try to act out something vaguely Xenosaga-esque. My favorite part of this one is and always will be the new, improved testosterone-fortified Shion. Original title: Death of Seasons by LovingPandoraes (oh yes she did spell her name wrong!). Part 1 -- Fangirl Review Theater

bean's hed go snap crakle brake -- EASILY THE WORST FIC ON THIS SITE. Right HERE. Clicky CLICKY. This Legend of Zelda fic was derived from the author's dream. It features platforms ahoy and architecture that would make M. C. Escher himself jealous. Original title: How they Met by Sanju Sakurija. Part 1 -- Fangirl Review Theater