Another fic by azn anime addict47.
Eddie: Oh no.
Jeff: KILL IT WITH FIRE!
Analyn: Wait, what other sort of anime is there besides Asian?
yes yes to those of you who have read my other harvest moon fic,
Jeff: [Author] I'd like to apologize.
i know i should be working on that one istead of a new one
Eddie: This brings up a question --
Jeff: Shh. No thinking. Fanfic land says you can't.
but i get sidetracked very easily by new ideas.
Analyn: Ha! I love it! [Author] Well, I'd work on what I started, but -- OOOH SHINEY!
So anyways here's this one.
Disclaimer: I dun own Harvest Moon or it's original characters!
Jeff: Since when is "dun" a legal term?
Eddie: You's see here, I be drawin' this here legal contract ...
They belong to Natsume!
Eddie: They belong to a sucky .hack//
Analyn: You know what she meant.
Eddie: ... yes, but I'm still bitter that Natsume was so useless.
I do own Theresa though! so there :P
Jeff: [dryly] Oh rats. Well, here I was going to steal her, but you've shown me a better way.
Theresa's heart ached.
Analyn: Yes, I'd start my fanfic out with a
character having a fatal heart attack too.
Jeff: Saves us a lot of trouble, anyway.
He was gone.
All: [singing] Into the wild blue yonder! Flying high into the sky!
Gone into the world above. She had received the letter a week ago.
Jeff: Coincidentally, she may already be a winner.
The letter informing her of her grandfather's tragic passing and that the funeral would be held in the town her grandfather loved so much, Mineral Town.
Analyn: I love it. It's not like he lived there
or anything, he just liked the place.
Eddie: Exactly what's the ratio of fragments to sentences at this point?
Even though Theresa barely knew her grandfather, she had felt tears pummeling away at her eyes to be allowed free after reading the letter.
Jeff: What the needle-banging heck? There's
so much wrong here.
Analyn: [Author] Hey, passive voice and crappy metaphors make me cool, right?
Eddie: If she starts dying her hair black and writing crappy poetry, I jump ship. This better not be some screwball Linkin Park songfic.
Many more emotions had struck her hard after that.
Eddie: Any emotions, really. Hunger, blood lust,
elation, jealousy, horniness ...
Jeff: Dude! Her dead grandpa makes her horny?
Eddie: Well, hey, she never said he didn't.
The whole village had shown up for the funeral
Analyn: Oww! I got hit in the head by a scene change!
and said their goodbye until they joined him up there.
Jeff: Awkward and lazy, that's just great.
Analyn: Author? Sweetheart? It's obvious you mean Heaven. So go on, say it: Heaven! It's cool! This is the Internet, not a public school!
Eddie: Maybe she means Valhalla?
many said their sympathies to Theresa
Analyn: I'm getting the image of people simply walking up to Theresa and saying, "Well, their sympathies."
for she had been the only family member who showed up. After the funeral, everyone left the church yard with tears in their eyes for every villager had loved the old man.
Eddie: And the sea, they liked that too.
Theresa slowly trudged to the inn and up to her room.
Jeff: She had to wade through all the fragments.
Not even bothering to change or brush her teeth, she collapsed onto her bed and went to sleep with tears finally being able to escape and running down her cheeks.
Analyn: That's in-TENSE! AHAHAHAH!
Eddie: You made a grammar pun? English nerd! English nerd!
Jeff: Attica! Attica!
Theresa awoke to the sound of someone knocking on the door.
Eddie: Just the sound. No one was actually knocking on the door, so perhaps she awoke to a recording.
"Yes?" she called to show them that she was awake.
"The mayor is here to talk to you about your grandfather.
Jeff: [Speaker] He wants to know why dead gramps turns you on. Seriously, what's wrong with you?!
You better get ready and come down."
Analyn: Well, that's strong!
Eddie: [speaker] Or ELSE!
A girl's voice said.
Jeff: Just a random disembodied voice?
Eddie: Maybe it matches up with that pre-recorded knock we heard earlier.
Theresa recognized the voice's owner, it was Ann's.
Analyn: Owner?! What, does she keep the voice on a leash and feed it treats?
Ann was the daughter of the owner of the inn, Doug, Theresa's closest friend in Mineral Town.
Eddie: Doug? That's funny.
Jeff: I'm guessing and saying that Ann gets banged six ways from Tuesday by every traveler that passes through Mineral Town.
Theresa got up, changed out of the black dress into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, did her morning preparations
Jeff: She had to ... prepare morning? Who is
Analyn: If we can't say Heaven, there's no way we'll say God. Try "higher power" or "omnipotent one."
and went downstairs. She spotted a short man in a red suit
All: SANTA CLAUS!
and red bowler hat with curly brown hair, and joined him at his table.
"Morning, Mayor Thomas, sir." She said politely.
Eddie: A quick 'mornin' is polite?
"Good morning, Theresa. I suppose you know why I'm here this morning."
"All right then. Let's order breakfast and we'll go over everything as we eat."
"There's no need to be so formal. Just call me Thomas."
Jeff: [Mayor] Thomas the Tank Engine.
Analyn: [Theresa] Yes, sir.
Jeff: Also, please pleasure me orally.
Analyn: [Theresea] Yes, sir.
Ann came over to their table and her orange braid swung playfully behind her.
Eddie: So she's a swinger, huh? Kinky.
Jeff: I still say that she's been screwed by every traveling salesman.
Analyn: Anyone else flashing back to that Family Guy where Chris plays with Quagmire's keys?
"What can I get you, today?" She asked.
Jeff: [Mayor] I'll have a piece of that ass -- I MEAN HAM -- and perhaps a side order of your gams -- I MEAN YAMS.
"I'll have tea and biscuits, please." Mayor Thomas said.
Analyn: Rip pip and cheerio, then.
"I'll have coffee with cream and sugar on the side." Theresa told her.
Eddie: THRILL as they order their breakfasts!
Analyn: You know, a greater author would have taken this opportunity to show us character through food choices. This, this tells me nothing.
Jeff: I'm guessing you're not going to let me throw a dirty joke in about the cream and the sugar on the side.
"Okay! I'll be back with your orders!" Ann left and went through the kitchen door.
"You drink coffee?" Thomas asked surprised.
Jeff: Okay, dead serious. Is there a soul alive today at ANY age who doesn't find themselves in a Starbucks at some point in their lives? Really, why is this confusing?
"How old are you, Theresa?"
All: [Theresa] Yes, sir.
Eddie: Back up the cannon train! Isn't the character
in Harvest Moon always an adult?
Analyn: I see her parents are trying for the Parents of the Year award by letting her go by herself.
Jeff: Well, crap. Her dead grandfather gets her sexually aroused, is there really anything more they can do to mess her up?
He was definitely taken aback by this. "Sixteen?"
Analyn: [Mayor] People can be sixteen now
Jeff: How'd she travel out this far by herself?
Eddie: I'm hoping she didn't use any Mary Sue powers.
"You're quite mature for your age."
Eddie: [Mayor] In fact, you're rated M for mature.
"So I'm told, sir."
Analyn: Well goodness, Miss Modest.
"You really don't have to call me "sir". Just Mayor or Thomas will do."
Jeff: [Mayor] You can call me Miss Jackson if you're nasty.
He said starting to get uncomfortable from all the formality the young girl was showing.
Analyn: Because people ... aren't ... formal with the ... mayor ... ? Oww, my brain got broke.
"As you say, Mayor, sir."
Eddie: ... wow. Just dense.
Jeff: Did this fic just attempt humor?
Ann came back with the drinks and biscuits on a tray. "Here ya go, and your bill is on us. Have a nice day!" She said smiling.
Analyn: Bill is on us? How do they stay in
Jeff: Ann makes people pay with nature's credit card. She did say that Bill was on her, and really, you don't have to be a rocket surgeon to know what that means.
"Same to you, Ann. Thank you." Theresa said giving off a small smile. Ann was quite surprised at Theresa's smile.
Eddie: Wait, what?! Did her mouth turn green
when she smiled? Did she see her forked tounge? What?!
Jeff: Notice how people walk around this fic in a constant state of shock.
She could tell it wasn't a true one.
Jeff: Well, I guess she wouldn't happy, since, yanno, HER GRANDFATHER JUST DIED.
The smile was just a polite gesture. Ann knew this because of the look of sadness and tragedy in the jade eyes that looked at her..
Analyn: What else do eyes do? "Ann knew this
because of the eyes that began singing old showtunes."
Eddie: What's a fanfic author's obsession with eyes and precious gems, anyway?
Jeff: Still, why are we shocked that she's upset when Grampa just bought the farm!?
Analyn: Nice pun.
"Right, down to business. You were informed that you are in your grandfathers will, correct?"
Eddie: [Mayor] Well, really, it's not a 'will' so much as it is a 'coloring book that he spilled his moonshine on', but you get the drift.
"Yes I was, sir." Theresa replied.
Jeff: At this point, Theresa's just channeling Marcie. The mayor's gonna get a baseball team together and beat ol' Chuck, you wait and see ...
"Well, that's what we're here to discuss."
"All right then, sir."
"Before your grandfather died, he gave his animals to Barley of Yodel Farm and his chickens to Lillia of Chicken Lil's.
Analyn: Chicken Lil's, for all your discount
Jeff: Why aren't chickens considered animals?
The farm however was left to the only member of his family who ever visited him.
Eddie: This family member never never brought commas, I see.
And that's you, Theresa."
All: SHOCK AND GASP!
Jeff: On an unrelated note, I bet Theresa will make a fine mother some day.
Theresa fought back the tears that tried forcing themselves out again
Eddie: This is dipping from the dramatic line
riiiiiiight into goofy. It's like she's having some bizarro battle with the
junk in her eyeballs.
Analyn: Ooo, I like this. Yes, and they paint half their faces blue and moon her.
and answered, "Yes, sir."
Jeff: Raise your hand if you're shocked.
Thomas gazed upon the girl sadly.
Analyn: As opposed to gazing upon the girl,
say, hungrily. Actually, that'd be pretty cool.
Jeff: I'd think Theresea should be freaked out at this point, what with all the people staring at her ...
Eddie: They can't help but stare, they're shocked at how sad she is that her grandpa passed away.
Her father had been a very important man and quite strict.
Jeff: But not on, say, grammar or style.
She had been taught to never show emotions
Eddie: As opposed to emoticons.
and to be respectful at all times, no matter what, in front of her elders and betters.
Jeff: What?! Wait, when was teaching a kid to be respectful a novel idea? And why's she so heartbroken over it!?
She had took that the wrong way
Analyn: Sweetheart, if you misinterpret "be nice and don't tell folk how you feel," you've got problems.
and always kept back emotions and was always respectful,
Eddie: Oh sob sob, she's nice to people. Really, author, we're supposed to pity this?
acting like she was dirt to those around her,
Jeff: Back the logic train up. This has nothing
to do with respect or emotion.
Analyn: I think there's some author out there that's boo hoo bitter over being made to be polite.
even if they were her friends. The girl in front of him, was not a child.
Eddie: Nor was she an English teacher, I'm guessing.
She was an adult.
Jeff: Really? Well, if she's legal ... and Anne's
Exactly like some parents wanted their children to grow to be like.
Eddie: Wait, let's look at this critically. Some parents want their children to grow to be an adult. Well. Okay, sure, fair enough. I'm wondering about this "some" who don't, though.
But, this was quite sad, for many parents would also want their children to live fun and carefree childhoods before having to tackle the wilderness beyond.
Analyn: Yup, some author's spurting angst for
having to clean their room.
Jeff: What 'wilderness beyond' has Theresea had to tackle thusfar? Sob sob, she took a train ...
Eddie: Maybe they're talking about her war with her eyeballs.
"Well, you know what that means then." he said.
Eddie: [Mayor] I'll ready the boombox. You get on your leotard, and the interpretive dance shall begin.
"Yes, sir. It means that I own the farm as soon as I sign the papers Grandfather arranged for me, already. It means that I will take care of the farm
Jeff: ... or, um, sell it and use the money
Analyn: Or a good beta reader, one that can use a comma.
and I will say goodbye to the life I used to know.
Eddie: I'm waitng for a piano cue so she can go into a syrupy ballad.
Now I take a life that is full of responsibility and risk.
Analyn: She's sixteen? No sixteen-year-old talks
like this, I don't care how hardened you are.
Jeff: Wait, why is Miss I Don't Show Emotion dictating all her internal thoughts to us?
A life where I have to work for everything that I need or want in life.
Eddie: [Theresa] A life where I take plastic
cars and shove pink and blue pegs into them.
Jeff: [Theresa] A life where I make things sound dramatic by starting a sentence fragment with the last phrase of the previous sentence. The previous sentence that was poorly punctuated to begin with. [Himself] Eww, I feel dirty just speaking like that.
I will not be handed things on a silver platter anymore."
Analyn: Are we supposed to pity Theresa right now? Becase really, all I've got for her is confusion and mild aggervation.
"Er..." was all the mayor could get out.
Jeff: ER wasn't a bad show.
Eddie: "Er" is a perfectly valid responce at this point.
"So I shall sign the papers to finalize my ownership of the farm."
Analyn: Is she one of those sorts that narrates
her life out loud?
Eddie: Oh, I hope she starts adding in lines about her eye war.
"How about we go look at the farm first before you choose?"
Eddie: Quick fire!
Analyn: [Theresa] How about you go to Hell?
Jeff: [Theresa] How about you jump up my butt?
Eddie: [Theresa] How about we look at my middle finger?
Analyn: [Theresa] How about you let me be an over-dramatic, whiney brat some more?
Jeff: [Theresa] Look at the farm? Yeah, that's what your mom said last night.
Eddie: [Theresa] How about I slip into something more comfortable?
Jeff: Once again, Eddie, you have managed to scare me blind.
Eddie: You're welcome.
"No thank you, sir. I'll take whatever I get and I'll build off it.
Jeff: Kinky. I guess size doesn't --
I'll prove to Father that I am not the worthless small child he thinks I am.
Eddie: Yes, and we know he thinks she's worthless because of the incredible amount of background we got on her OH WAIT WE DIDN'T GET ANY.
I'll make him proud of me in my three years of caring for Grandfather's farm.
Jeff: ... that's ... arbitrary. Did she just decide, "Hey, three years sounds good! Then adios!"
So, may I see the papers, Mayor, sir?"
Eddie: I can picture the mayor holding them
infront of her, wiggling them, going, "See? See?"
Jeff: [Theresa] May I touch the papers, sir?
"Er of course." Thomas pulled the legal documents out of a folder
Analyn: As opposed to pulling the legal documents out of his ass.
and gave them to Theresa. She scanned through them to make sure everything was as it should be
Eddie: Because she's, yanno, gone through law school already.
and signed her name in her loopy penmanship.
Jeff: She had to check her underwear for the
Analyn: Once again, a greater author would use the penmanship to tell us something ... loopy just makes me think she's some rich sorority girl.
"There you go, Mayor, sir . Now I officially own my grandfather's farm.
All: [singing] Now I know my ABCs!
Now that that is finished, I will not take up any more of your time and be leaving, thank you." Theresa took a sip of her coffee and left the inn.
Eddie: She went anywhere, really. Off a cliff, for example.
Mayor Thomas shook his head sadly.
Analyn: Yanno, I know this isn't true, and it's probably more my fault than the author's, but I always envision a given character holding up a disembodied head and shaking it when I read description like this.
"Perhaps someone can melt away the ice that has formed around her heart..."
Jeff: Or perhaps someone can melt away the pseudo-intellectual metaphorish-symbolic bull from this fic.
So? What did ya think? eh? eh? eh?
Analyn: Whoa! Cool it!
Eddie: It's like having a dog try to hump your leg!
Well you can just tell me by pushing the purple button down there hehe.
Jeff: Or, I can tell you by extending a certian
finger I have right here --
Analyn: Hey! Be nice.
I think I'll find this fic easier to write than my other one.
Eddie: Because she can type it using a keyboard instead of imputing the whole thing in hexidermal or what?
Which means...I can update this one faster! :P
Jeff: Oh, by all means, yes! Type like the crack-huffing review whore you are! Faster! Now!
Rightio, well see ya ppls!
Analyn: P. E. O. P. L. E. Mmmkay?
Eddie: [singing] People who need people are the happiest people...
azn anime addict47
remember to push the little button down there.
All: Push the button, Frank!