Wow, it feels so good to be posting something again!
Jeff: You know what? It's a coincidence. It
also feels so good to decimate another author's soul again.
Eddie: Ever think we should stop?
This story is basically to help alleviate my frustration against True Love (let's not go there . . .)
Analyn: Oh no you di'n't, snap snap snap.
and to tell you all that I'm not dead and that I'm still writing.
Eddie: To be fair, we're glad you write.
Jeff: Yeah. We need work.
Oh and many thanks to Blue Fire Blaire for reading this for me.
Analyn: Oooohkay, we're in trouble if the author can't read her own story.
All: [singing ... as much as one can sing Andrew W. K.] When it's time to party, we will always PARTY HARD!
Disclaimer: I vow that one day I will own/create something so great that kids will write fics about it,
Jeff: And we'll lambaste that one too.
and they'll have to make a disclaimer saying that I own it.
Analyn: Goodness, let go! Why are fanfic authors
so concerned with copyright laws?! The occurrences of people actually getting
sued over all this are extremely low, and when you write on some sort of
video game/cartoon fandom from Japan, that number drops to virtually none.
Besides, if a company decides to sue you, these doofy little disclaimers
probably won't stop them. Really! It's true!
Jeff: Don't most companies recognize things like fan art and fanfic as good advertisements, anyway?
Analyn: Now you're thinking!
All: [singing] And now we begin to sing!
But until then, I have to do these stupid disclaimers so let all know:
[Analyn draws a breath]
Jeff: Just let go! It's better for your blood pressure!
I do not own Zelda. And it goes for the whole story.
Eddie: So, hold on. You don't own your story,
Analyn: That's going to make me feel a lot better when we act like jerks here in a minute.
Chapter one: The Princess and the Handsome Scumbag
A gentle breeze blew, teasing Princess Zelda's golden hair loose from its braid.
Analyn: Gentle breeze? Ripping hair out of it's securing? More like mach five winds...
She sat on one of the stone benches in the courtyard,
Eddie: Were they cold?
reading an aged book with faded printing,
Jeff: Wow, it's the first printing of the Karma Sutra!
which lay propped open on her lap.
Analyn: For some reason, this makes your previous statement that much funnier.
As she turned the page, she heard a noise from behind.
Eddie: Any noise, huh.
Analyn: [Zelda] Could that be the grooving tunes of Devo?!
In her peripheral vision she could see two muddy boots move behind a tree.
Jeff: She heard something behind and saw something
beside, then? Well, okay, then.
Analyn: Those boots moved all by themselves? Awesome!
She made no change in her outer appearance but inwardly she sighed. "Link . . ."
Eddie: Because he's the only one who wears boots
and makes noises.
Analyn: No, remember, it's just the boots.
Jeff: [singing] How do you solve a problem like Link, how do you pin a wave upon the sand...
It was indeed Link behind the tree,
Analyn: We know this because the outstanding
lack of evidence.
Jeff: Seriously, doesn't every Japanese hero in this mortal coil wear boots? That could be any given Final Fantasy male. Or some of the females.
Analyn: Okay, if we see Squall or Cloud or something pop out, I jump ship.
trying at another attempt to scare Zelda.
Eddie: Wait, is there anything else to do to
an attempt besides try it?
Jeff: "Link ate his attempt to scare Zelda. It tasted like chicken."
Analyn: "Link administered CPR to his attempt to scare Zelda. Since it wasn't living anyway, it didn't really do all that much."
He had the impression she had seen him,
Jeff: He also had this really killer impression of Bill Cosby!
but he wasn't sure. Quietly, he darted from his hiding place so he was right behind where she sat.
Eddie: But he was behind her before making noise ... except she saw her at the side ... so he's ... wait, what? I want a map!
He opened his mouth to exclaim "Boo!"
Analyn: Once again. What else is he going to
open, his butt?
Jeff: Link also does a good Jim Carey impression, I guess.
when Zelda looked up.
Eddie: [Zelda] AAARRRG THE SUN! MY EYES, MY EYES!
"Link give up,
Jeff: [Zelda] Just come to the dark side already!
you're never going to be able to scare me." She said exasperatedly.
Analyn: [Author] Hey, everyone! I have a Word-A-Day calendar! Isn't it awesome? Or, better yet, sumptuous?!
"How did you know?" Link asked looking very put out.
Eddie: Well, I didn't know Link was that kind of girl.
"I heard you coming."
Jeff: Well! I guess Link is that kind of girl!
Zelda said, turning another faded page.
Analyn: [Zelda] You know, this is a really old issue of Cosmo.
Link sighed. "And I was so close too."
"Not in the least bit, Link." Zelda replied, grinning. "You're horrible at hiding." Link stuck his tongue out at her.
Jeff: "Okay, then just pretend you're stickin'
your tongue out."
Eddie: "Okay I'm pretendin I'm stickin my tongue out"
Jeff: "Now wave it all around! Side-to-side, in and out -- just get insane!"
Eddie: "Okay I'm pretendin that my tongue is goin all crazy. Man hee hee this is kinda fun"
Jeff: "So now when you want to end the french, you just pull back and go MMM-MMM!"
Eddie: "MMM-MMM should I say Thank You or somethin"
Jeff: "Ha Ha! More like, 'You're welcome!'"
"Where have you been?" Zelda asked.
Eddie: Quick fire!
Analyn: [Link] Well, there was that whole Triforce thing that needed a little of my attention.
Jeff: [Link] I was with your mom, hoh hoh hoh!
Eddie: [Link] I saved Hyrule, and so now I went to Disney World!
Analyn: [Link] I can't tell you, but it involves a bucket of syrup and a small Spanish midget.
Jeff: [Link] I've been clubbing.
Eddie: [Link] I've been in like eighty other crappy pieces of fiction. So, where were you?
Jeff: No. We don't. SO TELL US.
just around . . ." Link said evasively.
Zelda's expression dropped completely.
Analyn: Ouch, that must hurt. We'll get the janitor to wipe it up, then.
"Who was it this time?" she asked her tone suddenly changed to hard and cold.
Jeff: Remember, kids, sex is bad! So is flirting! In fact, to hell with the other genders. Let's all just wear thick black robes and advert our gaze whenever someone walks around.
"What are you talking about?" Link asked trying to look puzzled.
Analyn: You know what we must do.
Jeff: Must we, Annie?
Analyn: We must.
All: [Link] WELL EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME, PRINCESS!
"Don't play dumb with me, Link."
Eddie: [Link] Who's playing?
Zelda said, wagging a threatening finger at him.
Jeff: [Zelda] Girlfriend, don't GO there!
Analyn: Seriously, when did Zelda get ghetto-fabulous?
"I know when you give me an answer like that you've been out flirting with those girls again."
Analyn: Those girls?
Eddie: Which girls?
Jeff: Good question. Also, remind me again why showing interest in the opposite sex is a horrible, immoral thing for a healthy, heterosexual human being to do?
Analyn: This must be the most frigid characterization of Zelda ever. Hyrule's dynasty is going to end RIGHT HERE, because Zelda's going to refuse to look at men until her dying day.
Link's eyes widened in mock hurt. "Zelda, I'm shocked! What an immoral thing for one to do!"
Eddie: [Link] I'm sorry, I'll just go castrate myself in shame.
"Too bad you do it all the time." Zelda retorted.
Analyn: [Zelda] To everyone except ME! Sob sob!
"Well, not all the time." Link defended himself with a grin.
Jeff: Yeah, dude's gotta take a break sometimes
to drop a log or something.
Analyn: .... eww.
"I feel sorry for those girls, falling for a scumbag like you." Zelda said disdainfully.
Eddie: [Zelda] They should fall in love with me!
"Oh but, Zelda, I'm a handsome scumbag."
Analyn: Wait, he's a good looking purse made
out of scum?
Jeff: He's the latest in France.
"Don't you ever feel bad playing with those girls' hearts?" Zelda said her hands on her hips.
Jeff: [Link] Not really. They're all squishy and fun! You should try them sometime.
"Not really." Link said grinning.
Zelda gave a little "humph" and diverted her attention back to the book.
Analyn: [Zelda] Excuse me, I have to read all the embarrassing stories out of this issue now.
"Aw, is Zellie mad at me now?" Link cooed.
Analyn: You call me Annie.
Jeff: That's different.
Analyn: ... how?
Zelda ignored him and pretended to be reading something very interesting.
Eddie: "Is your man a big disgusting pervert who flirts with other women? Take our quiz!"
"You can't stay mad at me." Link said his voice smooth and confident.
Analyn: We know this because he's spoken so much in the games before that we have a frame of reference.
Link leaned over, his face inches away from her ear.
His breath was on her neck, sending ticklish chills down her spine.
All: Hello, Clarise!
"I'm too loveable." He whispered.
Analyn: To be fair, I want to beat the ever-loving crap out of you, you pompous annoying jerkwad.
He reached out his hand and gently tucked a strand of her golden hair behind her ear.
Eddie: [Zelda] Rape! Rape!
Jeff: Like in two? Awesome!
She elbowed him hard in the gut. He landed on the ground and opened his eyes to see an angry Princess Zelda towering over him.
Analyn: So, wait. The Hero Of Time, The Wind Waker, The One That Wakes the Windfish, Whatever Else He's Been Called can be knocked out with one sucker punch from a girl?
"Don't. Ever. Touch. Me. Again." She said with clenched fists.
Eddie: [Zelda] Also. Realize. That. I. Am. Channeling. William. Shatner.
She had a maddening urge to throw the book at him,
Jeff: "Let's put this pig in the pokey, Abby!"
but checked herself.
Eddie: [singing] Check yourself, but don't forget
Analyn: Spice Girls? I call a huge penalty.
Instead she stormed away without another word.
"Ooh, she's mad." Link remarked quietly to himself.
Jeff: That Link, he's a swift one.
"I wonder where she went . . ."
Analyn: [Link] She's obviously pissed at me, so I'm going to follow her!
Grinning, he stood up and dusted himself off and followed Zelda in the direction she had left.
Jeff: Link here, he's like a bloodhound. Direction
she left? What a brilliant idea!
Eddie: To be fair, Link WAS making noise behind her while he was beside her which was behind her.
Analyn: You know what? I didn't think that I'd call that one.
A/n: This is kind of like an introduction and there isn't supposed to be much plot right now (as if there ever would be)
Analyn: And you're proud of this why?
And I like writing short chapters okay?
Jeff: Rowr! That's perfectly fine, calm yourself back down there!
I don't know if the chapters will get longer so we'll just have to wait and see.
Analyn: Wait? Wait? Bump that, I'm getting the heck out of Dodge.
Well I guess that's it.
Jeff: And then all the Kokiri won.
Analyn: Sorry about the writing thing.
Oh yeah, and be sure to review! I've ran out of clever things to say, so just review okay?
Good. Toodles everyone!
Eddie: Hee hee! You said toodles!