Winds of Freedom
Analyn: Hey, was that a wind of freedom I just
Eddie: No, I just farted. Sorry!
By: The Shadow Hawk
Jeff: THE Shadow Hawk!
Eddie: [Foghorn Leghorn] Boay, I say, boay, that there's a CHICKEN HAWK!
Analyn: Wait, when on God's creation did the MPAA start coming in to review fanfiction?
Pairing: Celes/Setzer, slight Locke/Terra
Eddie: Really, does it matter so
Jeff: Yes, yes. We have entered the land of Fanfic World, where such things are matters of life and death.
Jeff: Oh, yeah! Man sakes alive, you pick the wrong 'fandom' or be the wrong sort of 'shipper' or whatever, and all Hell breaks lose! Think of it as one really big, stupid gang war.
Eddie: Tell me another bedtime story, Uncle Jeff. This one's scary.
Analyn: "When you're a Jet, you're a Jet to the end..."
Summary: When Celes becomes bored with settled life and her marriage to Locke isn't really what she wanted, she leaves to find herself.
Analyn: [Celes] Oh, rats! I'm right here! Well, that was easy.
A trip to Figaro Castle is just what she needed.
Jeff: Boom-chicka WAA chicka-boom-chicka WAA WAA...
Celes sat at the window of her and Locke's home in South Figaro.
Eddie: [Celes] So, should I be singing an opera now, or ... ?
She tired to tell herself she was happy with her life, but it was difficult.
Analyn: [Celes] I me happy is?
Peace was nice but her sword arm was itching for a fight.
Eddie: They make a cream for that.
It was difficult for her to be content with a sedentary life. She stood up and walked across the room to the door, nearly tripping on her skirt.
Jeff: Oh, she was tripping all right -- "My hands are soo big, but they can't touch each other...
"And I'll never get used to a dress!"
Analyn: [Celes] My battle bikini was SO much better!
She growled and picked up the edges of the dress and kept walking.
Eddie: What kind of dress is she
Analyn: For serious. Why would you buy a dress that you knew was so long that you were nigh-on immobile in it? Especially if you had to do things like housework all day?
Jeff: To be fair, she doesn't do housework. She sits around and looks wistful.
Jeff: I miss her battle bikini.
Eddie: I think we all miss her battle bikini.
Analyn: I don't miss her battle bikini!
As uncomfortable as it was, Celes knew a suit of armor and sword belt wasn't right for a married woman.
Jeff: Battle bikini. Get it
Analyn: Good God, son, throw it in second gear for a while!
She sat on the bed in her bedroom and looked at her wedding ring. It was a simple gold band.
Eddie: [Celes] Wait, why's all this Elvish appearing on it?
She wasn't looking for anything complicated. She had wanted a simple life at the time.
Jeff: She wanted a Fox reality show?
But now, half a year into peace and three months of marriage, it wasn't enough.
Analyn: Hold on.
Analyn: She wanted something simple.
Jeff: This is correct, the fic just said that like eight times.
Analyn: And she got it.
Jeff: Well, yes.
Analyn: And now she's upset that it's not complicated enough.
Jeff: Well, yes.
Analyn: By definition, simple cannot be complex.
Jeff: Well ... yes.
Analyn: Thought I'd point that out.
Jeff: Yeah, thanks.
"Celes! I'm home.
All: [Ricky] LUUUUUUUCY!
You here?" She heard the door open and Locke walk in.
Analyn: If I may?
Jeff: Oh, leave it alone, you just did a tirade three lines up.
"In the bedroom, dear." She called back.
Jeff: Well, this fic took a turn for the naughty.
A little lemon with my tea, please!
Analyn: Hey, now!
He walked in looking the same as ever, black pants, white shirt with another black shirt over that.
Eddie: Then another white shirt. Then a black one. Black. White. Then a kicky purple!
"Are you okay Celes?"
"I'm fine. I guess I'm just a little I dunno bored "
Analyn: She needs a game boy.
Jeff: Hey, they ARE releasing her game on there sometime soon or something, aren't they?
She sighed and brushed her hair out of her face.
"Bored? Why bored?" He sat next to her.
Jeff: Because absolutely nothing interesting has happened thus far?
"I love having peace as much as everyone else. I like having time to breath but sometimes it's too quiet.
Eddie: You missed it! "Quiet. Too quiet!" That's how that's supposed to go down!
I want to fight again.
Analyn: [Celes] I want people to die and stuff!
I can't kill the part of me that used to be a soldier, you know?"
Jeff: [Locke] So that's why you killed our neighbor and raped his wife! Gotcha.
"I know I still want to go out and explore caves
Analyn: [Locke] And learn the difference between
those pesky stalactites and stalagmites.
Jeff: Wait, what?
Analyn: That was to block your joke about exploring caves.
but the cities need rebuilding
Eddie: So now Locke is channeling Link?
Jeff: Only the geekiest of the geek will get that.
and we have to help, don't we Terra?" Celes looked up at him. Locke bit his lip.
"Celes I'm sorry I don't know why I said "
Analyn: I think I know why. Why is it,
Celes shook her head and stood up.
Eddie: Or, more specifically, she was all shook up.
"I think you do know why you still love her don't you?"
Jeff: [Locke] Even though I showed little-bordering-on-no evidence of being in love with her IN the game, yes, I am indeed madly in love with Terra.
"No Celes, I swear I'm over her " He stood up as well.
Analyn: [Locke] I swear, I'm over Rachel!
Eddie: [Celes] Wait, what now?
Analyn: [Locke] Whoops, I'm sorry. We were talking about Susan, right?
Eddie: [Celes] Who is Susan!?
Analyn: [Locke] Ack! I'm so sorry, I'll never mention Relm again!
Eddie: [Celes] Whoa, hold your horses, here!
"Locke, I'd be more inclined to believe that if that was the first time you'd done that. But it wasn't.
Eddie: Uh oh.
Analyn: I can see where this is going a mile off.
You've done it a lot.
Jeff: Things are taking a turn for the blue
Analyn: Buckle down and get ready for impact!
You say her name in your sleep.
Eddie: Shoot. We'll have to do it ourselves,
Jeff: I'm game, I'll take it. "If by sleep she means hot passionate monkey sex, then yes, that is completely true."
Analyn: "Oh Terra, I love you and your hot sex stick, too."
Jeff: That was completely wrong in a right sort of way.
Analyn: Thanks. I was in my love mood.
Jeff: .... I freaking hate you, Annie.
I know you still love Terra."
Jeff: Poor guy. He's got his butt in a sling
just because he called out Jennifer Garner's name during hot hot battle bikini
Analyn: Wait, what did you say?
Jeff: I said he called out Terra's name.
Analyn: Uh huh.
"I'm really sorry Celes I didn't mean to " He hung his head.
Eddie: He hung himself? He's done! Fic over.
Analyn: You sit yourself RIGHT BACK DOWN HERE, Mister.
"I know " She slipped the wedding ring off and handed it back to him.
All: My preciooooouuuuusssssss....
"I don't think we were meant to be. Go back to Mobliz and find Terra."
Analyn: Anyone notice that this is the calmest, docile, most passive break up ever? EVER?
Locke stared at the ring. "Is there someone else in your life?"
Eddie: Quick fire!
Jeff: "Gary Coleman!"
Analyn: "Yooooou, there's only yoooooou in my liiiife..."
Eddie: "I've been finding myself entirely too attracted to Samurai Jack lately."
Jeff: "You know all that Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time I've been playing lately? Yeah, there's a reason. Adult Link is delicious."
Analyn: "Well, it's twue, it's weally weally twue what they say about bwack men. I'm tiiiiiired, tiiiiired of being admiiiiired...."
Eddie: "I just met a girl named Maria..."
She sighed. "No " She went to a chest and pulled out the top of her armor.
Jeff and Eddie: BATTLE BIKINI!
"Almost wish there was it would make thinks more interesting."
Analyn: [Celes] I sure do wish I was a cheap, unfaithful tramp!
"Where are you going?"
Jeff: Who is Locke, Microsoft?
He watched her go into another room and when she came out, she looked like a soldier again.
Eddie: There's not going to be any scary costume
play here, is there?
Jeff: "Hmmm, Locke, it looks like I'm going to have to free your little soldiers..."
"I don't know. Maybe I'll find some place I actually belong."
Analyn: If there's one thing I like about bad fanfiction, it's the fakey-metaphorical-character-"developing"-almost-important-sounding cliche lines.
She picked up her sword belt and strapped it back on. "See you around Locke."
"Good bye Celes and I am sorry." He gave her a friendly hug.
Jeff: You know, with all the references to Celes'
apparent blood lust, I'm surprised Locke was allowed to touch her.
Analyn: "Celes then pinned Locke face down on the bed and pushed pins under his fingernails until he screamed for mercy."
"It's okay. Good luck with Terra."
Analyn: Wait, wasn't Terra part freaky-floatey
Jeff: Hey, yeah. She may have even changed into one for good at the end, I can't remember.
Analyn: Okay, and so how is dating some sort of freakish half-monster god muuuuuuuuuch better than dating a stable blond?
Eddie: Stable? She wants to slice up everything she sees!
Analyn: Point taken.
She smiled and left. As bad as she knew it sounded, she was happy the burden of marriage was gone. She knew it wasn't for her.
Eddie: [Celes] Tra la la, free to be a floosy, la la...
Unsure of exactly where to go, she went north to Figaro Castle.
Jeff: Wait, why? Seriously, she's out looking
for a fight, right? Why would one assume that one would find such a fight
within the walls of a well-protected stone castle that can go underground?!
Analyn: Maybe she's going to fight the ... um ... rats.
Eddie: My uncle did that, but they gave him pills to make him stop.
Even a visit to Edgar would bring some excitement even if it was only him hitting on her.
Analyn: Holy Moses. Hello, Tramp!Celes, nice to meet you. Are you the most latently undersexed video game character ever, or what's going on here?
"I just hope the castle is here and not near Kolinghen " She said to herself as the desert came into view.
Jeff: Yes, when you enter the horrible, deadly, sun-bleached desert, that is the exact time to wonder where your destination might be.
The monsters weren't nearly as powerful as she had hoped.
Eddie: This new Celes scares me ...
Analyn: Scares me too, Eddie, she scares me too.
Eddie: I'm starting to think she'll come for us in the middle of the night. "RAAAR, you were mean to my story ..."
Jeff: It's okay, Eddie. After she kills us, she'll probably make us into a lovely stew.
Analyn: I told you to stop doing that!
Jeff: But it's ever so much fun!
A few Sand Rays, nothing more. Though she was out of practice and her magic wasn't strong if it even worked,
Jeff: Wait, did all magic break after the end of FF6, or am I thinking of another Final Fantasy?
she could still handle more than that. She smiled at the crunch the monster made when she sunk her sword straight though a Ray's body.
Analyn: Wow. For serious, is this Celes or Kefka we're talking about?
Eddie: This is starting to be good old fashioned nightmare fuel.
As she made her way through the desert, the castle came into view.
Analyn: Celes promptly burned it down and raped the survivors with the bones of the dead.
"Not too much longer " Suddenly something zoomed past her face and into her shoulder.
Jeff: Isn't that physically impossible? You know, with your face being above your shoulders and all...
She swore and made an effort to pull it out. But the poison
Eddie: The what now? This is news.
rushed through her body making her hands go numb and she dropped to her knees.
Analyn: And that sentence is going-going-going-GONE! IT'S A HOME RUN-ON!
She saw what looked like a large Sand Ray coming towards her.
Jeff: Why did we need to capitalize this? Is the sand ray God?
"At least I'll go down fighting "
Analyn: Celes, honey, whatever you're eating
for breakfast, you need less of it.
Jeff: I want these Testoster-Os that she's having. Breakfast of psycho killers!
But she heard a whistling noise and a screech from the monster.
Eddie: Poor guy, that was just it trying to sing "Memory" from Cats.
Something glimmered in the monster's shell.
Jeff: [Celes] ... is that the triforce? Now I'm just confused, but I want it to hit on me before I kill it.
"C cards?" She whispered and fell to the sand.
Analyn: RUH ROH, we've got foreshadowing!
Celes groaned softly and tried to move. Nothing hurt except her shoulder.
Jeff: Nothing hurt, and that is exactly why she is having trouble moving.
She opened her eyes and looked around. She recognized the familiar stone of Figaro Castle.
Analyn: Wait, weren't we just in the desert?
Eddie: I think we switched scenes.
Analyn: What? I refuse to believe this without proof.
Then she heard laughing.
Jeff: It's funny when people nearly die!
"Well, well, well, Celes, you're finally awake. Has married life turned you so soft
Analyn: [Voice] Ffft, people who dedicate their lives to each other are stupid!
you don't have the sense to carry Antidotes with you when you head to Figaro Castle?"
Eddie: "...turned you so soft you don't have the sense". Okay, so Celes was saved by a redneck. Sure, I'm game.
She sat up and looked at the stairs. Setzer was coming down,
Jeff: Coming down anything, really. For example, a fun plastic neon-green spiral slide at the local McDonald's Playland.
shuffling cards. "You!"
"Morning Celes." He smiled.
Eddie: [sings] Morning Celes, by your light, you can make the new day bright ...
"How's your shoulder?"
Jeff: [Celes] Fine, how's your ... penis? Oh, rats, I'm bad at this flirting thing.
"Painful, but I'll live." She pulled the covers off and carefully stood up. "I certainly got my excitement " She worked her shoulder in a circle.
Analyn: [sings] I like to work it, work it ...
"What were you doing in the desert alone anyway?
Jeff: [Celes] Oh, just looking for the blood of the innocent to feast on.
"He's in South Figaro probably anyway.
Eddie: Getting married.
Eddie: See what I did there? Figaro? Married?
Eddie: Marriage of ... ?
Analyn: I wonder about you sometimes.
Things really weren't working out "
Jeff: Something just hit me. Maybe it would
have worked out better if she'd worn that battle bikini more often.
Analyn: Gee! Do you think the battle bikini is hot? Because I can't tell at all!
Jeff: Yeah, right. We'll get some Ocarina of Time fiction in here, that'll keep you quiet.
"He still loves Terra doesn't he?"
Eddie: To be fair, Terra wore a battle bikini,
Jeff: Yeah, but wasn't it ... less ... filled?
Analyn: Okay, I know I'm not hearing a discussion on which 16-bit sprite was hotter.
He asked as they headed back upstairs.
"He wouldn't exactly admit it but yeah. He called me 'Terra' again before I left.
Analyn: That's real classy of you, Celes, leaving out the part where you needed to hurt and sex people too badly to stay with him.
How long have I been out?"
He shrugged. "Not that long. Half a day maybe "
Jeff: There's a chloroform joke I should make here, but I will be darned if I can come up with it.
Eddie: [Celes] I came here so he could flirt with me, you know.
He shrugged. "Probably off somewhere hitting on some women."
Analyn: [Celes] Rats! How do I get me some of
Jeff: Seriously, did Locke even touch the poor thing once?
Jeff: [Celes] It's funny when people are
Analyn: To be fair, it's freaking hilarious.
He turned to her. "So what were you saying about excitement?"
Eddie: Didn't she briefly mention excitement in passing like an hour ago?
"Married life wasn't for me, you know? I'm still too much of a soldier for peace "
Eddie: Soldier of peace? She wants to kill everything that moves! It's a miracle she hasn't slit Setzer's throat in his sleep!
"I was surprised when you actually said yes to him. I didn't think you'd settle."
[All laugh again]
Analyn: Okay, that's just cruel to Locke. "I'm shocked that you married him, because he sucks."
Jeff: Can anyone else imagine Setzer, limp wristed at this point, going, "Sweetie, you need to dump that zero and get yourself a hero!"
"Well I " She trailed off when the doors to the throne room hallway opened and Sabin came out.
Eddie: [Sabin] Hi, I just got back from another
Jeff: Good to see him come out like that, it's not healthy to live in denial.
Analyn: Which, coincidentally, is a river in Egypt.
"Celes! Good to see you awake!" The overly muscled man came over and gave her a bear hug.
Analyn: [Celes] Can't ... breathe ...
Jeff: [Celes] I WILL KILL YOU AND EAT YOUR BONES, LITTLE MAN!
Eddie: But at least a man is touching her now!
Jeff: You know what? Sabin's good for this fic. Or for us, anyway.
Analyn and Eddie: Agreed.
"We were all a little worried when Setzer came here carrying you with that barb in you shoulder."
Jeff: [Celes] We?
Eddie: [Sabin] Me and my life partner, Emelio.
Jeff: [Celes] Ooo! Can I meet him?
Analyn: [sings] "She's the girl with no gaydar..."
Celes laughed and hugged the King's younger brother.
Eddie: That would make him the prince, wouldn't
it? So say prince.
Analyn: Perhaps Sabin is the Brother Formerly Known as Prince.
"It's good to see you too Sabin.
Analyn: [Celes, purring] My, how BIG you've gotten...
Setzer carried me in here huh?"
Setzer coughed and said nothing.
Jeff: You know how you indicate that a character
says nothing? You actually neglect to put dialog down for the character.
It's amazing. Heck, Annie isn't saying anything right now, as evidenced by
her lack of words.
Analyn: That's right!
Jeff: Hey, you just messed up my joke!
"He looked more like a prince than a gambler." Sabin laughed again.
Analyn: [screaming] GEE, FANFIC, ARE YOU TRYING TO HINT TO US THAT SETZER WILL PERHAPS BECOME THE ROMANTIC LEAD HERE IN A MINUTE? BECAUSE MAN SAKES ALIVE, I SURELY CAN'T TELL! NO SIR, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON! ALSO, I'M AS DUMB AS A POST AND EAT ROCKS FOR BREAKFAST.
Setzer's lip twitched. "Are you ready to go Sabin? I don't have all day here."
Analyn: Once again --
Jeff: One's enough, Annie.
"Where are you going?" Celes looked at the men.
Jeff: [Celes] Can I have sex with you there?
"Remember that big house in Tzen that you rescued the kid from? I'm going to help rebuild it then head to Albrook for some repairs there.
Eddie: Jimmy Carter IS Sabin!
Setzer's taking me as far as Tzen."
"Can I come with
Analyn: With you. With you. Sorry, that one's just a pet peeve.
I miss the Falcon." Celes looked at them with pleading eyes.
Eddie: Puss in Boots from Shrek 2 IS Celes!
"Does Locke know you're here?" Sabin asked.
Jeff: Is this the 1920s? Is Locke her keeper?
Celes shook her head.
[All make the buhluhluhluhluh sound people make when they shake their head
Eddie: Does this give Celes Shaken Baby Syndrome?
Jeff: [Setzer] Oh, yeah, doll, shake what your momma gave you, that's right ...
"It's over between us well, I'm not sure it ever started. He still loves Terra and I'm not sure I ever loved him as more than a friend."
Analyn: There's nothing funny I can say here. This person simply did not play the game. Opera? Scene on boat? Angst with Rachel? This means nothing to you, oh dearest author?
"Well then, it'll be like old times.
Jeff: Minus eleven people.
You mind another passenger?"
Analyn: [Setzer] Yeah, about all this inviting
people on MY ship for ME...
Jeff: [Sabin] Hey, can I hold my son's Bar Mitzvah on your ship, too?
"Yeah, sure." Setzer rolled his eyes. "I might as well start a transportation service."
Eddie: Alex Regar IS Setzer!
"You could make a lot of money with all those casino tables in there. You could have the world's only flying casino and travel agency." Celes laughed.
Jeff: Sex, killing and gambling. You must give this fanfic credit, it does appreciate the finer things in life.
Setzer sighed. "Whatever. Come on, let's go."
Analyn: Rowr. Wasn't he Mr. Happy just a few
Jeff: That was back when he thought he was about to get some hot hot battle bikini action.
Celes and Sabin smiled and followed the annoyed gambler.
Eddie: The Annoyed Gambler would be an awesome ragtime tune.
They flew south late into the night. They landed on a small island for the night.
Jeff: So, it's night, right? Tell me one more
time, fic, I'd like to be sure.
Analyn: I'm still not convinced we left that desert.
Celes tried to sleep but her wanderlust kept her up.
Eddie: Really, haven't we had enough of Celes' lust for today?
She got up and started to look around the Falcon.
Analyn: [Celes] Let's see, what do we have here
... old porn, old porn, booze, porn, porn, dead hooker, porn, porn, booze,
weed, porn, weed, weed, dice, porn, porn, airplane glue, map, porn, porn,
porn, gay porn, porn, condoms, another dead hooker, porn, real doll ... a
dead sheep? What goes on on this ship?
Jeff: Annie, how'd you come up with all that so fast?
"I can't believe I'm doing this I already know every part of this ship as well as Setzer "
Eddie: They ... they ... they did the mattress
Analyn: Now, calm down, maybe she didn't mean --
Jeff: Oh, she meant it. Read the sentence again. She knows every part of this ship, and she knows every part of Setzer.
Eddie: I wonder if he has a third nipple.
Jeff: Why would you want to know that?!
Analyn: Hey! Hey! Issue at hand! Okay, so apparently, Setzer screwed Celes 'til she can't walk. You know, if they're so intimately aware of each other.
Jeff: Oh, it goes deeper than that. She said every part.
Analyn: God no.
Jeff: Oh, yes.They've done it back side, front side, upside down, maybe underwater, maybe in the opera house, maybe in Gogo's cave ...
Analyn: I'm going to be sick.
Jeff: EVERY PART.
Eddie: I don't think he has a third nipple.
Analyn: Thanks for keeping us updated on that, buddy.
Eddie: You're welcome.
But something about being on it again after 6 months brought some new mystery to the ship.
All: [singing] "Ride, captain, ride, on your mystery ship....
After exploring a few rooms, she sat down at a Blackjack table.
Jeff: Hey, Annie. About that knowing every part
of Setzer -- here we are at an easily accessible table, do you think -- ?
Analyn: I am seriously going to be sick.
"Care for a game?"
Eddie: [whines] It's gonna be strip poker, isn't it?!
Setzer's voice nearly made her jump out of her skin. "Do you ever sleep?!"
Analyn: God almighty. Okay, fine, I'll take this one -- [Setzer] Not around you, sweetheart!
"Not really." He shrugged and sat in the dealer's seat at the table.
Eddie: "The name's Bond."
"Shall we play?"
She shrugged back.
Jeff: Back? I didn't know we had to return shrugs now. Someone needs to keep me updated.
"What have I got to lose? I don't have any money with me so nothing I suppose."
Analyn: Celes, seriously, don't be stupid, and
never say that around a man.
Jeff: PLEASE play for the battle bikini. Oh please.
He began shuffling. "Then we'll play for something better.
Jeff and Eddie: YES!!
Every time one of us wins we get to ask the loser a question and the loser has to answer truthfully."
Analyn: Huh, okay. I'll give the fic author some props here, that's pretty cool. That's a game I'd play.
"Only if we change dealers every game."
Jeff: [Setzer] And clothes, we have to exchange clothes.
"Don't trust me Celes?"
Eddie: [Celes] No, of course not, that's why I'm flying on your ship at night by myself.
"In every way except card games."
Analyn: Wait, what? I demand a diagram of this sentence.
"Fine, fine. We'll switch off. But if I recall, you can't exactly be trusted in games of chance either." He pulled a coin out of his pocket and flipped it to her.
Jeff: Hey, remember that scene, the one where
Locke begged Celes all the way through to reconsider because he was in love
with her and didn't want her to marry Setzer?
All: [singing] Meeeeemoooooriiiiiiiiiiiessss...
She smiled at the coin. The same two-sided coin she used to get him to help them with. "I do love this coin. So one of us will be cheated every other game, so what?"
Eddie: For no good reason whatsoever, I feel like I'm watching Sex in the City all of a sudden.
Setzer said nothing, just smiled and dealt the cards.
Analyn: Hey, no fair, you just made grammar check throw up on my nice shoes!
Score: Setzer- 19 Celes- 17
Jeff: Wait, what? Aren't we reading prose?
Analyn: Obviously, we're channeling the national black jack tournaments.
He looked across the table at her. "Did you enjoy being a Magitek knight?"
Eddie: [Celes] Only when I got to kill people a lot.
She was quiet for a moment. "Before I understood what was going on, yes.
Jeff: [Celes] And now? Yes yes yes oh God a million times yes.
Power, respect and an automatic ticket to anywhere in the world.
Eddie: [Bob Barker] Celes, you've just won a trip to ...
It wasn't bad really but I had to go on my little search for the truth.
Analyn: [Lionel Hutz] "See, Marge, there's the truth, and then there's the TRUTH!"
I suppose I'm happier for it though."
Eddie: [Celes] Killing makes me complete.
Score: Setzer - 22 Celes - 20
She studied him for a moment.
Jeff: Wait, doesn't she already know every part of him?
"Those scars on your face how'd you get them?"
Analyn: [Setzer] Well, "scar tissue forms as
skin heals after an injury (such as an accident) or surgery. The amount of
scarring may be determined by the size, depth, and location of the wound;
the age of the person; heredity; and skin characteristics including color
Eddie: Wow. I'm impressed.
Analyn: Thanks, MedicinePlus.gov!
He ran a finger over one of them. "My insatiable craving for gambling. I didn't have the money to pay off a loan and well, I got mine for it."
"Someone's got to get you off that habit."
Jeff: [Celes, huffy] Did you just call me FAT?!
Score: Setzer - 16 Celes - 19
"I'm surprised you let me win."
Analyn: Or maybe, and this is a thought, YOU PLAYED A GAME OF CHANCE AND GOT LUCKY.
"I don't always cheat."
Eddie: [Celes] Rats. Well, there goes your dashing bad boy image.
Celes smiled. "Now what to ask "
Jeff: [Celes] Tee hee, do you like me? Check one please: yes or no.
She tapped her finger on the side of her face. "Were you and Daryl lovers?"
Analyn: [Setzer] If by lovers you mean I was her pimp, then yes.
"A few times yes."
Jeff: Wait, what? "Were you lovers" means "did
you date", not "give me the amount of times you two had hot sweaty monkey
Eddie: Is it me, or does Setzer get more tail than a slide at a water park?
"Was it good?"
Analyn: Okay, that's just tacky! Why do you
want to know?!
Jeff: [Celes] Want to see if I do better?
Eddie: [Celes] Are you into pain?
"You'll have to win another game for that." He smirked and gave her the pile.
Jeff: Gave her the pile, ey? So I see Setzer is a man who appreciates a battle bikini, too.
Score: Setzer - 20 Celes - 23
Eddie: [Celes] Wait, since when is there an eleven of spades?
"Guess you don't get that answer yet, eh Celes?"
Analyn: Seriously, this fic is getting creepy.
"There will be other rounds."
Eddie: [Celes] Yes, but if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can imagine.
Setzer gathered the cards together.
Jeff: "Brothers and sisters, we are gathered together today to get through this little thing called LIFE."
"Was it any good with Locke?"
Analyn: [Celes] It was fantastic, which is why I left.
Celes stared at the table. "We never "
Jeff: To be fair, that explains a whole heckofa lot.
"Never? Even the wedding night?"
Eddie: How on Earth did Locke justify that? "Sorry baby, I want our first time to be special." "When is more special than now?" "Um ... I meant really special. And also not with you in the room."
"Are you still a virgin?"
Analyn: When did Setzer get to be a lecherous
Jeff: He's channeling T. J.?
Analyn: That's obscure, no one will ever get it, and I love you for it.
"Another game Setzer. Another game."
Score: Setzer - 21 Celes - 24
Jeff: [Celes] Seriously, Setzer, a 13 of
Eddie: [Setzer] Baby, you'll always be the ace of my heart.
A smirk appeared on Setzer's face. Celes looked a little nervous. "I think I'm regretting agreeing to play this way "
Eddie: Holy cow, he IS channeling --
Analyn: Stop it with the obscure stuff. But really, what does she think he'll ask her?
Jeff: [Setzer] So, if I told you you had a nice body, would you take your clothes off and dance around a little?
"Are you wearing that sexy underwear they sell in Maranda?"
Analyn: Amazing. Simply amazing.
Jeff: The next logical step is that riff I made a line earlier ... and I can't believe I was that close to calling it.
"Setzer!! I can't believe you just asked me that!"
All: Join the club!
Analyn: Seriously, we're gonna get t-shirts and everything.
She stood up and slammed her hands on the table.
"You have to answer. You agreed." He spread his hands out innocently.
Jeff: [Celes, upset] I'm not wearing ANY underwear. THERE, HAPPY? Boohoohoohoo...
Celes' face turned bright red. "Answer this!"
Analyn: Aaannnd cue middle finger.
She flung the cards in his face and went up to the ship deck.
Eddie: 52 pick up?
"Hmmm she never did answer the question." Setzer mused and went up to the deck after her.
Jeff: Geez, what a clod.
Analyn: I know, asking a rude question like that...
Jeff: What? No, I meant Celes. Man, he asked, and ...
[Analyn gives him a good solid thwap.]
"You're a crude human being, Setzer." Celes leaned on the rail at the end of the deck.
Eddie: She's ... king of the world, I guess?
"You were the one that brought up the question of sex."
All: [ala Arfenhouse] ESEXORZ!
"Well I you made it sound like you wanted to do it now."
Jeff: Hee hee. Do it.
Analyn: We are delightfully mature.
"I'm a man. Who said that thought wasn't in my mind?"
Analyn: I'm waiting.
Analyn: A denial!
Jeff: He's right, though. It's a fairly constant thing with us.
Analyn: No, see, because that means that you two have thought of ME --
Jeff: Have you ever considered a battle bikini for yourself, Annie? Because I have.
Analyn: Love mood.
Jeff: I freaking hate you.
Celes snorted. "That's disgusting."
Eddie: [Celes] Boys are icky!
Eddie: [Celes] Humans are icky!
"One more question."
Eddie: [Celes] Questions are icky!
Jeff: To be fair, in this fic, they are. They're very icky.
Analyn: [Celes] You think Sabin's gay? Because I'm definitely getting that vibe.
"If I let you, would you sleep with me?"
Analyn: Wait, were you imitating Setzer?
Jeff: No, I'm telling Celes that yes, if she'd let me, I'd sleep with her. Battle bikini! Hello!
"Yes. I wasn't kidding when I said you were more exquisite than Maria.
Eddie: You know when he met her?
Analyn: I bet I can guess.
Eddie: [sings] "Toniiiight, toniiiight, there's only you toniiiight, with suns and moons all over the place...."
And I've never let go of that thought."
Jeff: [Celes] Really? Because I've never let
go of the cold, dead hand of the first man I killed.
Analyn: I was starting to miss Celes the Bloodthirsty there for a moment. Celes the Horny is just scary sometimes.
Celes blushed again.
Eddie: She blushed earlier?
"You're strange Setzer."
Analyn: The man drives around his own air casino. You're just now deducting this?
"Must be all those years of breathing thin air." He chuckled and walked to the other end of the Falcon.
"I have to admit I missed this place " She trailed her fingers on the rail as she followed him. "I missed all you guys."
Jeff: Anyone else feeling a group hug coming
Eddie: Wait, all of who guys? There's eleven other characters!
"I'll never understand why you decided to stay in one place."
Analyn: Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot that traversing the world in a blimp was the normal thing to do. Not to mention the cheapest and easiest.
She shrugged. "I guess I wasn't sure what to do with myself after it was all over.
Eddie: [Celes] So I started working in some bad fanfic...
When he proposed I just "
"Jumped at the chance like a desperate woman?"
Jeff: Setzer, he has a way with women. [Setzer] So, you jumped his bones like the woebegone whore you are, huh?
"Setzer! I'm trying to have a sincere moment with you!" She huffed and glared at him.
All: [singing] Just a moment in the woods....
She wrapped her arms around herself in the cold night.
Eddie: Like all the way around? Like loops and loops, over and over? Cool!
"Remind me never to share around you."
Jeff: [Setzer] So ... um, no sex, then?
"Sorry Celes." He slipped off his coat and put it on her shoulders. "Some things never die."
Analyn: [Setzer] Like this skinned up rat that someone made my coat out of. Seriously, who else has to feed their clothes? Oh well, don't let the little guy bite you. I call him Mr. Nibbles!
"True. I couldn't deny there was a part of me that really hated Locke for the way he treated me "
Jeff: Wait, she had a comfortable home, she
was well clothed and fed ... ?
Analyn: No touchee.
Jeff: Oh, right, Tramp!Celes needs constant sex.
Analyn: No, I'm serious, no touchee me. That 'me in a battle bikini' comment a few lines up still has me a little freaked.
She slipped her arms through the coat and pulled up the sleeves as best she could. For the first time she realized how tall he was.
Analyn: Thanks, fanfic, I was wondering when the prerequisite "oh look I never noticed how handsome the hero was" passage would come.
Normally her boots made up for the height difference
Eddie: But normally you're a two-block tall sprite from the SNES era, so really, does it matter?
but she wasn't wearing them now and the length of the sleeves and the coat told her he really was quite a bit taller than her.
Analyn: Yes, he's a big burly hunk of manmeat that gets you ever so hot and bothered. Shut up and get on with it.
"The way he treated you?
Eddie: The Way You Look Tonight? Seriously, "The Angry Gambler" and now "The Way He Treated You." This isn't a fic, it's a "All Time Greatest Jazz Hits" CD.
What happened?" Setzer was immediately concerned.
Analyn: Criminy! Yes, yes, and now Mr. Manmeat
is Mr. Sensitive and Caring, who will listen to all our angsty problems and
make them go away with the power of our Twue Wuv.
Jeff: Wow, Annie. Just because a man won't touch you --
Seeing his face, she shook her head. "No, no nothing like that he treated me like a princess I never wanted that I'm a soldier, not a doll."
Jeff: She wanted to be treated less like a doll and more like a real doll, ifyouknowwhatImean.
"Oh " A wave of relief washed over him.
Eddie: In the AIR? Must be freaking high tide.
"He was doing that whole 'I'll protect you from everything' thing, wasn't he?"
Analyn: And what are YOU just about to do, Mr. Champion?!
She nodded. "Doesn't matter how many times I saved his ass, he still thinks I'm the one who need protecting."
Jeff: Perhaps he wanted to protect you from his ass? That's something I'd want protection from, I tell you what.
"You? Need protecting? Please.
Analyn: [Setzer] If anything, you need me to
rough you up a little.
Eddie: [Celes] Bring it on, I'll eat you for breakfast.
I still have the scar on my hand where you bit me when you were parading around as Maria." He rubbed his hand.
Eddie: Interestingly enough, how DO you solve a problem like Maria?
"I cut you? Really?" She looked at him with disbelieving eyes.
Jeff: [Celes] YES!!
"Yeah. Why do you think I locked you in that room and left?
Analyn: [Celes] You DID tell me to find the corner ... but man sakes alive, it was a round room! What's up with that?
I had to go get bandages."
Eddie: [Setzer] No you're not.
Analyn: [Celes] Ha! You're right! I'm not! Ha ha, sucker got cut by a girl in a dress! I'm sorry, I'll tie a pretty ribbon on it to make it better! Then you can go hug your boyfriend and cry in his big strong man arms.
"It was one of the things that impressed me about you.
Jeff: [Setzer] That, and you were just so darn slow. Made you easy to catch.
You could even fight in a dress." He chuckled.
Analyn: Right, right, battle bikini.
Jeff: Actually, I was going to make a reference to Xena: Warrior Princess.
Analyn: You were not.
Jeff: ... yeah, you're right.
She smiled. "You really need to stay in a normal atmosphere for a while."
"Normal land is boring."
Eddie: [Setzer] With its stupid ground and its stupid trees and rocks and sissified grass ...
Analyn: "It's twue, it's twue..."
Jeff: You already did that one!
Analyn: So nice, I used it twice.
"So where are you going to go?"
Eddie: Quick fire!
Analyn: [Celes] I hear there's an opening in the next Final Fantasy for a chick with big boobs, I was gonna go fill a few water balloons and try my luck there.
Jeff: [Celes] You know me, I'll just load up the 'hog and the ol' lady ...
Eddie: [Celes] Who are you, my mother?! Stop trying to control my life!
Analyn: [Celes] Well, Setzer, [singing] "Put on your Sunday clothes, there's lots of wooooorld to seeeeee...."
Jeff: [Celes] Well, first I was gonna click on my homepage, and do a Google search from there.
Eddie: [Celes] Wherever there are people that are living, I'll be there, fixing that.
"I dunno. Do you mind if I hang around with you until I find a place for myself?"
Jeff: So, now Celes is a mooching stoner sort.
Analyn: "It's okay, man, I'll pay your rent. See, my DAD owns this DEALERSHIP..."
"My ship is your ship."
All: ON THE GOOOOOOOOOOOD SHIP, LOLLIPOP ...
"Thank you Setzer."
"And if you never want to settle down, you're welcome to stay here with me."
Analyn: He said, his eyes shining as he looked
wistfully out into the distance ...
Jeff: You know your bad romance fic up one way and down the other, don't you.
Analyn: Oh yeah. I'm giving it less than five lines until we hit the labored confession.
She stood closer to him. "You're nicer than I thought."
Analyn: See? Our wafty protagonist is starting slow, but she's still falling. Four.
"Well, I've got a soft spot for some people."
Jeff: [Setzer] More specifically, Celes, I'd
like to feel YOUR soft spot, ifyouknowwhatImean.
"Setzer, do you love me?" She looked up into his eyes.
Eddie: [Setzer] I ... like ... pie?
Jeff: [Setzer] If by "me" you mean "Lara Croft", then yes. Man sakes alive, she is SMOKING.
He stared at her. "Yes yes, I do "
Analyn: One! And we're off! Can I call them
Jeff: I ... I must give props.
Celes wrapped her arms
Eddie: She has the bendiest, coolest arms ever!!
around his neck and kissed him. "I love you too."
Analyn: Fangirl glomp, sigh, oh aren't they
happy, it goes on ...
Jeff: Hey, it's been a while since we've heard about --
He pulled her close. "I'm still curious about that underwear."
Eddie: That's what you do in underwear, yes.
Jeff: ... wait, what?
Analyn: Seriously, who except the perviest of perverts confesses his long-standing crush for a girl, then goes straight for the underpants?
"Maybe if you can keep up you can find out." She smirked and headed towards the stairs.
Eddie: Sarah Jessica Parker IS Celes!
"I always love a challenge." He quickly followed her.
Analyn: What? Oh, sugar, getting into Celes' battle bikini is no challenge whatsoever, so far as we know.
Sabin woke up to a quiet, grounded airship.
Eddie: Like, floating over him? That's AWESOME!
Jeff: I'm not laughing.
it's pretty late. I thought Setzer would have taken off again " He stepped on something soft.
Analyn: Okay, well, that could be a number of
Eddie: Should I call a quick fire?
Analyn: No, because I'm afraid of what it would bring.
He looked down and saw Setzer's coat. He raised an eyebrow and looked further down the hall.
Jeff: My God, there's more hall down that way!
Analyn: [sings] "Myyyyysteries of liiiife, I have fooooound yoooooouuu..."
He saw what he was sure was Celes' nightshirt. Walking closer to Setzer's room,
Analyn: Why would you do that?!
Jeff: What, now?
Analyn: Think about it. Let's say you've got two friends, a boy and a girl.
Jeff: Well, that's not a stretch.
Analyn: And you come to a hall, and their clothes are flung down it, and it becomes more and more obvious as you travel down the hall that they were thrown off in a hot fit of passion. Would you really even want to know?
Jeff: Are you trying to tell me something about you and Eddie?
Eddie: Wait, what?
Analyn: You're both hopeless.
he heard them talking.
"So who's better? Me or Daryl?"
Eddie: [Setzer] Mog. Oops, you didn't hear me say that.
"Celes, don't make me choose! That's like asking me to choose between poker and blackjack. It can't be done!"
Jeff: Say hello to Mr. Classy, ladies.
Sabin heard a whack.
Analyn: Seriously! Why are you still there?!
Jeff: Hopes of a three-way?
"So we're card games now? A fine comparison, Setzer!"
Eddie: [Celes] I say, good sir, my monocle has cleanly popped off!
"Ow! You know what I mean!"
"Yeah, but I just wanted to whack you."
Jeff: [Celes] Because, you know, you've been naughty.
"Oh, by the way Celes "
All: [Setzer] Daryl.
"That underwear from Maranda? Very nice, but not very durable."
Analyn: Eww eww eww nasty no eww!
Eddie: Well! I won't sleep for a week!
Jeff: Haa, Voyeur!Sabin is hilarious.
Analyn: Okay, fine, let's say Eddie and I do the nasty.
Eddie: Hold on, now!
Analyn: Shut up, Eddie, Anyway, would you stand at the doorway and listen with a creepy pervert look on your face?
Jeff: Depends on whether or not you were wearing the battle bikini.
when he heard another, louder whack and a yelp from Setzer.
Eddie: Really, now, I'm just uncomfortable at
Jeff: Because of the fic or because Analyn apparently wants your hot hot man body?
"She shoulda been with him from the start "
Analyn: Why, so she could get bored and go trollop on him?
He smiled and went on deck. "Guess I'll have to get to Tzen myself." He threw up the levers and restarted the trip to Tzen.
Jeff: Wait, if he can fly a ship, why does he need Setzer to be his escort?
"Buildings don't fix themselves."
Analyn: And we've come full circle with the supposed-to-be-symbolic-but-actually-not last line!
My first attempt at an FF6 fic, be nice.
I just wanted to make a Celes/Setzer piece.
Jeff: And you did, so what's the issue?
Constructive criticism, okay. Please, no flames. Always explain yourself.
Analyn: Hey, if you have any questions, bring them on.
Eddie: Wait, there was no legal disclaimer.
Analyn: Hey, you're right. Does Shadow Hawk own these characters? I am in utter confusion!
Jeff: Woo! I am suing the everloving HELL out of this guy!