This is my first Romance!
Jeff: I'm going to have to tie you down, aren't
Analyn: Oh, let me go. It's ever so much fun.
Before I continue I would like to thank Lostsoul 01 for inspiring me to try a romance!
Eddie: Ah, so we can blame HIM for all this
Analyn: Wait, can you use "romance" as a noun like that?
Oh and I don't own anything besides the names of the characters.
Jeff: So you don't own your own story, either?
Eddie: Let's just chalk this one up to Satan.
Chapter 1: Faint Love
Analyn: And yet, we've been told that it's a love story. I'd say it's more like Rolled Over With A Steamroller Love.
It was yet another beautiful day in Tipa.
Eddie: [singing] It's a beautiful day in the
Jeff: Ever notice how the sun is ALWAYS shining in magical fanfic land?
Analyn: That's because the clouds are actually scared to go there. With all the Mary Sues and creepy lemons, I'd be scared too.
One would hardly beleive that the world was serounded by the miasma.
Analyn: One could also hardly believe that you just made two spelling mistakes in one sentence.
It was time for the crystal caravan to leave and collect the preaciace myrrh to keep the large crystal glowing,
and the miasma at bay.
Jeff: Weird line break. Are we supposed to be
in suspense there? "My god, what else does the myrrh do?!"
Eddie: [sings] On the road again ...
Analyn: Preaciace? My brain is going to leak out my ears. That's not a spelling mistake, that's a "let's bang our fist on the keyboard and see what comes out" mistake.
Eddie: [sings] Glow little glow worm, glimmer, glimmer...
The caravan would consist of to individuals,
Eddie: What would it consist of to
Analyn: Love, rainbows, and bunnies, my dear friend, love, rainbows, and bunnies.
a clavat boy and a selkie girl, both in there teens.
Analyn: Natch. Yukes and lilties are ugly, so they don't deserve love. Also, teenagers are the only people who ever fall in love. Ever.
The clavat's name was Kota and the selkies was Tarina.
Jeff: Author? Watch this. [turns to Analyn]
Hello, my name is Jeff.
Analyn: Jeff? Well, nice to meet you, Jeff! My name is Analyn!
Jeff: Analyn, what a nice name! A pleasure making your acquaintance, my dear! [to Author] See? See that? That's called an INTRODUCTION. Try it sometime! Show me! Don't tell me! Pretend you're only writing for Missouri!
They both awoke quite early in the morning and prepared.
Analyn: Prepared anything, really. Tarina got together a "Best of Andrew W. K." mix tape, while Kota put the finishing touches on his Cait Sith cosplay costume.
Kota got dressed
Eddie: That makes the thing you said earlier
Analyn: Thanks, I try.
and grabbed his sword
[Jeff and Eddie snicker]
Analyn: Stop it!
while Tarina grabed her racket.
Jeff: Please, Annie!
They bid farwell to there families
Eddie: There's a touching and memorable scene.
Analyn: Really, we had a chance for character development, dialogue, background information ... and what did we do? We crapped it right down our leg.
prepared there wagon. Once all was in order, they rode off with there chalice. But there was a problem, you see
Jeff: Yeah, a big problem! THEIR! THEIR! Try it, it won't hurt you! THEIR!
families didn't exactly get along,
Eddie: That would have been a good thing to convey back at the farewell scene ... oh, wait, showing us stuff ain't your style!
and neither did they!
Jeff: "He's a wacky liberal, and I'm a
Eddie: "I smell a sitcom!"
The clavat's parents gave there boy permission to wack
her with the heaviest thing he could find
Eddie: Now, wouldn't lifting be another issue?
Jeff: [Kota] Gimmie a second, I'll hit you with our wagon yet ...
if she so much as laid one, as they say "Filthy, parasite ridden selkie
finger on him!"
Analyn: Wait, in the game, didn't Clavats and
Selkies get along at least well enough to live together in Tipa in peace?
Jeff: Why in hell did they send these two on a caravan?
Eddie: Gee, she could have told us that back during that scene where they said goodbye to "there" families. You remember that scene, don't you? The one we didn't get?
and the selkie was given permission
Jeff: Wait, she needed permission?
to pound him into flan jelly
Eddie: So that old people may enjoy him, too.
if he so much as looked at her funny,
Analyn: Tom Tucker's son comes to mind.
both children gratefully agreed.
Jeff: ... to what?!
"So clavet, you think you can handle getting the myrrh,
Eddie: [Kota] No, which is exactly why the village
trusted me on this mission.
Jeff: Seriously. Why'd they send these two losers?
or are you going to run home if you see a goblin like the spineless
creature you are?"
Analyn: A goblin is a spineless creature?
"I should ask you the same thing selkie scum!"
Eddie: Verily, sir!
Jeff: You watch your language!
Analyn: I don't remember an enemy like that.
Jeff: Maybe they'll start performing Miss Saigon in a minute, maybe that's what this is about.
Eddie: [singing] On the last night of the world...
Eddie: PLEASE don't be a Lord of the Rings crossover. Oh please.
And so they continued throwing around insults for a good hour,
Jeff: I am absolutely serious at this point. They just stood around yelling for an HOUR?! Why, oh why were they chosen to COLLECT MYRRH FOR THE WHOLE VILLAGE? This is a life or death situation! You cannot tell me that these two chumps were the absolute best choice for this job. Is the village elder stupid!? Did he use a dartboard to pick these two?
"I can't beleive I'm being forced to work with a foul smelling, dirt low clavat!"
Eddie: If we knew what beleive meant, we wouldn't either!
"Well than why don't I turn around and take you back to Tipa,
All: PLEASE DO.
I'm sure I would do much better without an ugly gargoyle
to hold me back!"
Jeff: Hey! That was an awesome show! You watch your mouth!
"Well at least I know how to fight, you on the other hand couldn't break a rotted twig!"
Analyn: Wait, breaking twigs is how these people show fighting ability? What do they fight, kittens? Babies?
"Oh, so now you're a fighting expert!"
Jeff: But ... but ... they'd HAVE to be if they were ... you know ... on a caravan and stuff ... remind me why these two are the chosen protectors of Tipa one more time, please?!
"Would you like a first hand demonstration!?"
Eddie: Wait, who's talking?
The wagon stopped and the clavat picked up his sword.
Analyn: Hold it. Where are they?
Jeff: They're gonna fight ... in the wagon?
Eddie: Hey, that'd actually be kind of cool.
Analyn: This is bad fanfic. If you think it's going to be cool, it either won't happen or will be ruined by a puking penis.
"Bring it on selkie scum!"
All: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Taria toke her racket
All: Hee hee.
and lunged at Kota. He gaurded with his sword and tried to get her in the side but he missed.
Analyn: My head's spinning.
Jeff: George Lucas this ain't.
Taria swung here racket
Eddie: I'm gonna swing this here racket ...
at him and was able to knock him out of the back of the wagon.
Analyn: Someone has told this person that fight scenes need to be exciting, and I think her mind has translated exciting to "long run-on sentences".
She jumped on him
Jeff: We-he-hell, then! Someone's in their love mood!
Eddie: Faint love? More like hot sex monkey love.
Analyn: I hope we're not about to stumble on the most violent, bloodiest, angriest sex scene known to fanfic.
knocked her behind him
Analyn: Uh oh. Doctor Ruth I ain't, but I thought the boy had to be behind -- ?
and they rolled down a hill,
Eddie: [singing] Do it like they do on the Discovery Channel...
gaurding with there weapons.
Analyn: There? RAGE.
Eddie: Aren't they supposed to have a safe word when you have sex like this?
Jeff: I must give Kota kudos. This boy is an operator.
But they forgot something very important,
Eddie: Very dirty quick fire!
Eddie: Chocolate sauce!
Jeff: Nurse uniform!
Analyn: Stuffed fox!
Jeff: Cambel's soup!
Analyn: Candyland: Naked Edition!
Eddie: Cheerleader pompoms!
Jeff: Glow in the dark body paint!
Eddie: Edible panties!
Jeff: Now, that's just disgusting.
Analyn: And Cambel's soup isn't?!
They were very far from its light and they soon noticed.
Analyn: Maybe if you'd take the bondage gag
out of your mouth...
Eddie: He might find another E while he's looking around in there.
Jeff: They're choking under all the elipsises,
Eddie: [singing] Get back to where you once belonged ...
They made there way up the hill, but the miasma had already seaped into
there lungs and the selkie,
being the one who exerted herself the most,
Jeff: Is there any clean thing we can say here?
Analyn: Not a one.
Jeff: Move on?
Analyn: Move on.
passed out from exhaustion.
Jeff: Kota is the MAN!
Eddie: [Tarina] Isn't that funny? I said that to you just a few minutes ago!
The clavat didn't know why,
Analyn: What's that, Captain Obvious? He's going to fall in love with you, you say? Thanks for the heads up, I never would have known!
but he picked her up and carried her wearily back into the crystal's barrier.
Jeff: Barrier? I get it! It's a metaphor. A dirty metaphor!
She woke up after a bit
Eddie: Seriously. This is just nasty at this
Jeff: Freak nasty?
and imediatly swung her racket at him. He dodged, grabed her arm, and
pulled her face a few inches
Analyn: Ugh, no, they're gonna do it again!
"Enough! I think that is all the fighting we need today, save some for the journey."
Jeff: Well, because fighting is a finite quantity that can increase or decrease depending on use, this makes perfect sense.
He let go and got back at the reigns, for some reason he didn't want to brag about saving her.
Analyn: However, in the locker room the next day...
Tarina got back in the
wagon and soon came to a conclusion.
Jeff: Wait, I thought she concluded back when they were rolling around the hill?
'He saved me, but why?' she asked herself.
Eddie: [Tarina] Could it be because I've been completely invaluable to his quest thus far? Because of my dashing charm? My stunning grace?
"Hey." she called to the clavet.
All: Hey is for horses!
"Why did you save me?"
Jeff: [Kota] Well, you're the best lay I've had in months, for one...
"Because if you die the elder would never forgive me."
Analyn: [Kota] And not because I'm pretty much slated to fall madly in love with you. Nope. Not it at all.
She knew there was another reason,
Eddie: Because, you know, she read the title.
but was to tired to try and figure thet out and simply sed...
Jeff: Aww. Spell check just threw up on my nice shoes!
So how was my first romance,
Analyn: Sweetheart, there's a fine line between "romance" and "soft core pornography."
please reveiw, I want at least one before I continue.
Jeff: And yet she continued three times ...
Analyn: Whatever, I'm calling it quits for today.
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