Jeff: Wait, did a fanfic author just apologize for their fic?
Eddie: Wow! Hey, ChaosKing, you're not so bad after all!
Analyn: Sweetie, you're welcome back any time.

I didn't mean to keep you waiting for this chapter!

All: D'OH!

Sorry, sorry, SORRY!!!

Eddie: No, we're the one's who are sorry.

I want to thank Robochocobo for his/her

reminder. I started a new style as you can see,

Analyn: Well, we can't see YET, as you haven't started the story ...
Eddie: Why are the author's notes so long all the time? No one ever puts these in front of novels or even short stories ...

it now designates whos talking, a '' around a name means thinking.

Jeff: Script style. Just say script style.
Analyn: Scripts, there's a big stamp of quality.
Analyn: Unless you're MiSTing.
Jeff: Right.


here's the chapter that you haven't seen in two months!

Eddie: But we've never seen it! You can't really say we haven't seen it in two months if the length of time in which we haven't seen it is actually infinite...


Jeff: Oh no, the fic flat lined!

Chapter 3: The Goblin Wall and the Conspiracy

Kota and Taria were soon thown into a cell.

Analyn: Wait! When we last left our heroes, they were standing around having kinky sex while goblins stole all their stuff.
Eddie: Maybe we really haven't seen the next chapter.
Jeff: Oh, yes! Lock the two sex monkeys in prison, that's the best idea we've had all week!

The goblins laughed as Taria tried punching the gate down only to succed in

bruising her hands.

Eddie: Oh, poor lily white.
Jeff: Don't all selkies wear gloves?
Analyn: Don't all selkies carry rackets?
Jeff: Remind me again why it had to be THESE TWO on the caravan ... ?

Kota:Save your energy, those bars aren't budging.

Jeff: Neither is the space bar between your dialogue, apparently.

Taria:Oh, so you want to just sit around while they grease up

All: EWW NO!
Eddie: This is the horniest fan fiction I've ever read, plain and simple.

a frying pan to cook us in,

Analyn: When did the goblins say they were going to eat them?
Eddie: In that chapter we didn't get, I guess.
Jeff: Anyone else getting mental images of the most disturbing episode of Emeril ever?

huh, I DON'T THINK SO!!!

Jeff: You go girl!
Eddie: She's ghetto fabulous!

Kota:I'm just saying that you could hurt yourself,

Analyn: She did hurt herself, Mr. Noticey McNoterson of the LOOK! brigade.

your hand isn't made of steel.

Jeff: Well, slow the science machine down, Mr. Wizard!

Taria:Don't give me any of that,

Eddie: [Taria] Give me a break instead!
All: [sings] Break me off a piece of that ...

you act like you WANT us to get boiled, or don't you know that's what goblins do to their

prisoners, or is your brain too small?!

Analyn: Welp. Look at that. Run-on sentences make Baby Jesus cry, okay?!
Jeff: We have a correct usage of "their," though. I might faint and fall back in it.

Kota:Are you saying I'm stupid?!

Eddie: You know, if you have to ask ...

Taria:Want me to say it again?!

Jeff: I'm genuinely surprised that that wasn't "You want I should say it again?!"

Kota:Well, sorry for caring!

Analyn: [Kota] Ffft. See if I get you a Precious Moments doll on your birthday. Jerk.

They once again stopped talking. Taria was furious, she punched the gate so hard

Eddie: So, No Child Left Behind ... except Taria, apparently.

that the bars drove into here hand and

she started bleeding badly.

Jeff: ... whoa. Okay, so we've got Magic Beam Bars that can bend the laws of physics and go through solid objects.
Analyn: And make them bleed. Badly.
Eddie: Magically! Yaay!

Without talking,

Eddie: Because that would require more writing ...

Kota opened his pack

Analyn: You know what? There's no wink of his eye. There's no twist of his head. How am I to know I have nothing to dread?!

and pulled out some bandages.

Jeff: [Taria] Sweetie, I said BONDAGES...

He bandaged her hand and

sat down in the corner of the cell.

Eddie: Hey, we're still not supposed to know that they're madly in love yet, are we?
Analyn: I don't think so.
Eddie: Ooookay, just checking.

Taria:Uhhhhh, th-thanks...

Jeff: "Th-th-th-th-that's all, folks!"

Kota:No problem.

'Taria':Okay, he has helped me twice and I haven't repaid him,

Eddie: Ruh roh.
Analyn: You wouldn't do this to us THREE CHAPTERS IN A ROW, would you!?

he is not gonna have this on my head,

Jeff: Oh, he'll have something on his head.
Analyn: Whoa!

I have to repay him before he can use this against me... But how?

Analyn: Oh, I give up. Sex, Taria, sex. Not even good sex, or fun sex, but dirty rotten terrible degrading sex. Possibly with barn animals. Let's just shut up and get it over with.

They soon heard footsteps.

Analyn: Sex with whoever that is, too! Come on, you'll do it anyway!

A large goblin stepped up to the gate and pulled out a set of keys.

Jeff: He walked right through the plot hole!

Taria saw her chance as he

opened the cell,

[All laugh]
Eddie: Where are they locked up, Fort Incompetent?
Jeff: [Guard] Man sakes alive, I want to keep these prisoners in their cell, which is exactly why I'm opening it up for them!

with her good hand she knocked the ugly beast across the room.

Analyn: Well, that's a nice thing to do to Kota, now isn't it.
Jeff: [Taria] Now, what to do with the guard?

Taria:Hey Clavet, you just gonna sit there, or are we going?!

Eddie: Oh, Lordy. That ... that's pretty.
Jeff: [Kota] Hey, that's what your mom said last night!

They ran from the cell only to see five goblins who were in a fighting stance.

Analyn: No! No! No no no! No more "fight" scenes! Bad fic! Bad!

Kota and Taria got their weapons of the


Jeff: So now they've got weapons made of dirt?
Analyn: Wait, their weapons were magically laying on the ground that they happened to be standing on?

and charged.

Eddie: Not if I take away their credit card!

They easily took out the weak group

Jeff: Because a hard battle scene, that would make for more writing.
Analyn: You know, with all their experience thus far, I think they could "fight" any group they wanted any day they wanted.

and grabbed the chalice. They soon found a room covered in bits of

wood, and fresh bones.

Eddie: And delicious Cocoa Puffs, which they happened to be coo coo for!
Jeff: The heck, did Hansel and Gretel stumble on the witches' hut here?
Analyn: It just hit me. Bones? Wood?


[All laugh]
Analyn: How on this creation does a room full of bones and wood equal a wagon?
Jeff: Maybe Kota just considers random objects to be wagons. "A bucket and a pile of feathers? Hey! That's our wagon! A can of paint and a spool of CD-Rs? Wagon!"

Kota recognised the bones as the creature that pulled their caravan."

Jeff: [Kota] The bones of the creature that pulled our caravan? Hey, that's our wagon!
Eddie: Wait, bones pulled their caravan? Wow. Hey, Kota? Taria? Maybe you should try feeding that creature, you know, every so often.

They soon ran off when they heared hundreds of

footsteps following them.

Analyn: Please. With the amount of sex these two have, I'm shocked and amazed that we haven't heard the pitter patter of little feet sooner.

They made their way through the caverns, the smell of goblin snaking it's way up their noses.

Eddie: And, coincidentally --
All: They kept going DOWN, DOWN, DEEPER...

They soon came on what they guessed was the throne room,

Analyn: They figured this out using their amazing psychic powers, and not any sort of details in the room.
Jeff: You know what? Since we have no clues ourselves, I shall assume that they are in the crapper.
Analyn: Jeff! Say "bathroom!"
Jeff: ... no.

they took out the few goblins there and stepped forward.

Eddie: Are we reading a game?! Seriously! Describe us up some action!

A black

cloud surrounded the area

Jeff: See? I told you. Crapper.

and a huge goblin appeared from it.

Jeff: See? A turd. I told you --
Analyn: Oookay!

It was obviously a magic user by the staff it was holding.

Eddie: Obviously? Obviously?! It's not obvious that it's anything because you didn't tell us!! Please, fic, oh please stop calling us stupid. We're not.
Jeff: Wait. It's a goblin.
Analyn: Yes...
Jeff: And it uses magic.
Analyn: Yes ... ?
Jeff: So, it's a Magic Nose Goblin?


raised it's staff and it started glowing. He fired a huge black beam at Taria and Kota.

Analyn: He did this because -- ?
Jeff: Well, he was on the can.
Eddie: Obviously!

They dodged and the beam flew

through the exit. A hundred screams were heard as the goblin army that was chasing Taria and Kota were reduced to ashes.

Jeff: This is the most ineffective security system I've ever seen.

In his weak state

Analyn: [Magic Goblin] That whole raising your arm thing, that's tough work ... maybe tomorrow I'll up my reps to two.

the king goblin

Jeff: Wait, who?

tried charging at the two. Taria jumpped at him

Eddie: Jumpped? At least she didn't jump towards him, because that seems to be how all the icky sex scenes start.

and slammed her weapon into his face,

All: WHOA!
Jeff: I think Kota's a little jealous.
Analyn: But the Goblin King, you know he's a happy camper now.
Eddie: Am I old enough to read this?

cracking his scull and killing him.

Jeff: What's a scull?
Analyn: Well, I don't know either, but I guess it's a vital organ.
Eddie: The Great Goblin King goes down with one face dance?

Kota:That was easy, to easy...

Analyn: [Kota] Seriously, all I had to do for a face dance was fire my big black beam at you?
Jeff: Okay, that's filthier than anything I've ever said.
Analyn: Yeah, I know.

Kota started to examine the room, he soon saw light behind the throne.

Eddie: Did they walk into Link to the Past?

He approached it



saw a myrrh tree.

Jeff: Those things are huge! You're gonna tell me it was growing behind the toilet the whole time and NO ONE NOTICED?
Analyn: That says something about how often the goblins clean.



They carried the chalice to it.

Taria:Hey Clavet, I just saved your life back there, that means I don't owe you nothing, understand?

Analyn: Taria went from being street to being a redneck?
Eddie: [Kota] Well, lawdy lawdy li'l lady, don't you worry your purdy li'l head 'bout it.

Kota just shrugged. He placed the Chalice down and a drop of myrrh fell int the container.

Jeff: You know, if this is REALLY the bathroom ...

They marveled at the Chalice.

They smiled at each other and looked down.

Eddie: [Kota] Hey, is that myrrh and chalice our wagon?

They jumped ten feet when they saw they were holding hands.

Analyn: Okay, how do you -- I mean -- it's not -- they were -- I give up. Fine. They were accidentally holding hands.
Jeff: They've done a lot more then that, why were they so shocked?

Their intense

blushing and their mix of anger and surprise

Eddie: Wait ... they have no reason to be mad, do they? Embarrassed, sure ...
Jeff: When people's skin flush, you know what that means!

kept them from noticing the cloaked figur staring at them.

Analyn: Or the spell check.
Eddie: To be fair, wouldn't the cloak also keep them from noticing the cloaked figure? Would that not be the purpose of the cloak?

The figure stepped

Jeff: Ooo, a dance show!

into the shadows

Analyn: It's a CLOAKED FIGURE THAT DOESN'T WANT TO BE SEEN! Where was it standing before, underneath ten spotlights in the center ring wearing a gold glittering jumpsuit that it lit on fire?!

and dissapeared. (This part has me worried, I keep getting the idea someone won't like it...)

Eddie: If you had written a scene that advocated the clan, maybe you'd have a point, but this is just a dude slinking off into the shadows. You have bigger things to worry about than one person not liking this scene, I promise.


The figure appeared in a strange place, it had stars floating around it and small planet models floating around.

Analyn: Well, SOMEBODY just played FF7.

Their was

another figure wearing black armor standing in front of a small orb with smoke around it, with small patches of clear


Jeff: Smoke. Well, yes, I'd say the author was smoking --
Analyn: Be nice!

????: So, what did oyu find out?

Eddie: [Cloaked figure] Well, I found out that, in the English language, letters in words actually have to go in a specific order!
Jeff: ????? The dude's name is ????
Analyn: Oh my God, save us all please, as the author is too lazy to write an introduction or come up with a name for this character.

????:There is indeed a spark sir.

Jeff: [Cloaked guy] I made note of it.
Analyn: Hold on! Mr. Cloak's name is ???? too!?

????:(Growl) We can not allow them to fall in love!

Eddie: Growl? Look at that, hard core proof that prose is better than script.
Jeff: Well, not allowing them to fall in love makes perfect sense because -- wait, what?
Analyn: No, no, it adds cliche interest to the fic. It also makes -- everybody with me, now --

Our whole operation would be foiled,

Jeff: Yes, your important operation of ... slinking around, wearing cloaks and not having names ... ?

intervene at all costs,


Analyn: What are they going to do, instigate a twelve-step program?
Eddie: "Peter, please, take the hat off for your family!

????:Yes sir, I understand.

Jeff: [????] Yes, mas'sr!

The cloaked figure vanished.

????:I have come to far to fail now!

Analyn: Weird, I didn't see Far in the list of countries in the Olympic games. Is it new?
Jeff: Wait, the dude WANTS to fail?


Don't hurt me, just tell me what you think of the much different chp 2...

Eddie: But this was chapter three!
Analyn: Okay. We couldn't keep track of Taria's name, we had Freudian sex scenes, the fic's major climax takes place in the bathroom, and now we don't know what chapter we're on. We've reached a new threshold in bad, I think.

Bye, I will update sooner, I promise!

Jeff: Don't worry about it, you don't have to.
Eddie: This is the last chapter.
Jeff: Well, okay then!

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