Okay so the idea just popped into my head.
Jeff: Did it hurt?
Then I found out that I had my idea was already lying in my documents
(freaky!) for a while
Analyn: I'm sorry,
WHAT?! So you had this idea, wrote it out, forgot it, had it "again,"
and then were surprised when you found it hanging out on your computer
already?
Jeff: [pilot] Ladies and gentlemen, this is
your captain speaking, we're in for heavy amounts of pain today, if you could
just buckle up...
and I decided to finish it because I lost the plot to Change of Fate.
No thanks to my streak of randomness… Actually it’s not that bad
because I wanted to rewrite COF anyway and when I reread this I thought,
“Hey that’s better than COF!”
Eddie: Huh? Seriously, what?!
Okay, no more babbling and more writing!
Disclaimer: I do not own Xenosaga! Nor do I own those cute little smiles
at the end of each character’s sentence(s). (Will appear at random
moments.)
Jeff: ... you just gave a copyright warning
for smilies. You just ... wow.
Analyn: [author] Also, I'd like to remind that
I don't own the English language or the Roman alphabet. I just mangle them.
Thank you.
Eddie: Waitwaitwait.
She's gonna use ... ?!
Notes: The way the first chappie is written is just a test. If you don’t
like it, please tell me. If you do like it tell me to keep it.
If you choose ‘don’t keep it’ then I will rewrite it. If you
choose ‘keep it’ then I’ll leave as is.
ENJOY!
Analyn: Seriously? I don't think I'll be able
to. You just did a 'choose your own' bit and used the word "chappie" in the
same brick of text.
----------------------------------------
Chapter One: Non-existing Human…
Shion: Okay, this is the first time we’ve had more than two people in
the simulator.
Jeff: SAAAY!
Analyn: I know it won't happen, but I'm hoping
this means Allen finally got some!
Jr.: And your point is?
Eddie: [Shion] My point is that it was
hot.
Shion glared at Jr. She put her index finger atop his head and said in
a mocking tone: My point is, is that things may happen unexpectedly
Jeff: SAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Analyn: I guess Allen DID get some!
AND we’re going to test KOSMOS’ human abilities
Eddie: Uh oh.
Jeff: I'm thinkin' KOS-MOS would tear Allen
the hell up. I'm also thinkin' that KOS-MOS is missing a hyphen.
Analyn: For reference, the fic's description
mentions that they turned KOS-MOS human somehow, even though it's not mentioned
ANYWHERE IN THE ACTUAL PIECE OF FICTION.
So we don’t know what’s going to happen! –She kneelsdown
to Jr.’s height and presses her nose against his. Jr. Gulps and sweat
begins to drip down his face- You got that you little shrimp.
Analyn: Damnation. Too much testosterone on
the Cheerios today, GymCoach!Shion?
-Jr. Gulps again and slowly nods his head yes. Shion smiles evilly and
stands up straight. Everyone backs away, from Shion; feeling scared.-
Allen: Uh, Ch-Chief can we hurry and get this over with? O.O;
Jeff: List of characters acting in character:
Allen. List of characters currently out of character: Everyone who's not
Allen.
Analyn: Hold the hell up. She actually thinks
"O.O" is an acceptable way to describe a character's reaction? Sweetheart.
Get off AIM once and a while and go read a book written by someone
sane.
-Shion turns to face Allen and everyone gulps yet again-
Shion: Stop looking at me like you’re about to die! Hurry up and start
the simulator… NOW!
Eddie: I'm waiting for PackersFan!Shion here
to start swallowing people whole or tearing metal pipes in half or head butting
walls or something.
Analyn: Her blood pressure must be like a billion
over a trillion.
Allen flashes a fake salute as yells in a terrified/squeaky voice: YES
SIR-I MEAN MA’MA!
-Allen then runs to the terminal and begins the simulator.
Jeff: Wait, you mean the Encephelon? The one
that only Shion herself can access because KOS-MOS has more security measures
built into her than the UN itself? The one that she wouldn't even
consider letting anyone else, even if it was Allen, access,
just because KOS-MOS is capable of going batshit and destroying planets?
Soon Jr., MOMO, Shion, Allen, and chaos are sucked into the simulator!-
-A hard-to-describe symbol appeared on the snowy ground.
Analyn: Head goes to desk right now. Author,
what did you think your job was? Pressing pretty buttons to make marks on
the screen? If you're gonna tell us a story, you gotta tell us stuff about
the story.
The symbol began to glow blue and five figures appeared with way too cool
snow suits on.-
[Everyone laughs]
Eddie: Like, TOTALLY.
Analyn: For sure.
Jeff: Whatev.
-Shion digs around in her pocket and takes out her trusty handheld
computer.
Analyn: I'm surprised it wasn't a semi-automatic
or something.
She presses a button and gasps as she realizes it’s the wrong one
and a 1000 pound safe falls on chaos.-
Jeff: Huh?
Eddie: I think this is supposed to be
"comedy."
Jeff: Ha ... ha?
Analyn: Don't bother, Jeff, just let the poor
little joke die.
Computer: The current user, chaos, has lost one life. Three lives
remain.
Eddie: Shion was the user, though!
Analyn: Also, that was fantastically stupid.
Shion: Oops, heheh, my bad. Sorry, chaos.
-Blue lights flashes about and chaos' body reforms-
chaos tries to keep calm: It's okay Shion… You didn’t mean it.
Shion: -Side steps away from chaos and next to Allen- … He’s
mad.
Jeff: Hrm. chaos getting mad? Let's go over
my list of characters again. Characters currently acting in character: Allen.
Characters currently acting out of character: Everyone who's not Allen. Huh.
Allen: -Nods in agreement-
MOMO: -Pointing to anonymous person- WHO’S THAT!
-Everyone looks at the anonymous person and gasps-
Jr.: ISN’T SHE COLD! O.O
Eddie: Well, how would they know she's could,
unless --
[It dawns on everyone. There is a moment of silence.]
Jeff: Oh God. It's nippy outside.
Analyn: Jesus. Who greets a total stranger with
"HELLO ARE THOSE YOUR NIPPLES SHOWING MY LADY?"
Jeff: [strained] Characters currently acting
in character: Allen. Characters currently acting out of character ...
MOMO: It makes me cold just by looking at her. –Shivers-
Jeff: Everyone enjoys staring at a stranger's
nipples! Kids, grandma, everyone!
Anonymous: The climate has no effect on me, which is why I am not
cold.
Analyn: Sweetie, your high beams are on. Let
it go.
Shion: KOS-MOS, you’re human now, aren’t you cold? Can’t
you feel it?
Eddie: [Shion] Here, can you feel it if I rub
your nipple erection?
Jeff: And then your breasts?
Eddie: And then work my way down?
Analyn: AND THEN I START HANGING OUT WITH GIRLS
INSTEAD OF YOU TWO WHAT THE HELL.
KOS-MOS:-Says nothing-
-KOS-MOS then begins to walk away.
Jeff: [Ziggy] Um ... does anyone but me notice
her ass nipples?
Around them, everything smudges and turns black. KOS-MOS’ body disappears
into the darkness. A beach is in sight and KOS-MOS sits in the sand, running
her hands through the soft, hot surface. There is no sign of Shion, Jr.,
Allen, and MOMO; just a beach with chaos and KOS-MOS.-
[Jeff and Eddie open their mouths]
Analyn: No. We're waay too blue already.
Jeff: You know, after that niptacular adventure,
I bet chaos has blue --
Analyn: NO!
Eddie: Come on, though. "Running her hands through
the soft, hot surface?" It reads just like a porn novel!
chaos: -Sits down next to KOS-MOS and close his eyes as he listens to
the sounds of waves crashing gently upon the shore.-
KOS-MOS: -Gets up and stares at the ocean.-
chaos: -Opens eyes and watches as the wind gently brushes through KOS-MOS’
blue hair and white dress.-
Eddie: Wow. Wow. I mean it, wow. They actually
managed to describe a scene in script form. This is a new breakthrough
in badfic. Someone needs to alert the Agency for International Bad Fiction.
KOS-MOS: -Looks down at chaos- chaos, do you believe that I am
human?
Analyn: Once again, the only clue we have to
her humanity is WHAT WE READ IN THE DESCRIPTION.
chaos: … Well, yeah KOS-MOS.
KOS-MOS: Is it possible for a human to stand in the snow with a dress on
like mine?
Jeff: What? What?! Of course it's
possible. Comfortable, probably not. But possible, sure.
chaos: -Looks at KOS-MOS’ dress and realizes that it doesn’t
even past her knees.- Well, then it’s likely that the person would freeze
to death without warmth.
Eddie: Or just get extremely nippy.
KOS-MOS: … What if that person can’t feel the cold? Are they
still alive?
chaos: Well, yeah. That would just mean that the person is not human.
KOS-MOS: What if that person is human?
chaos: Hmmm, then maybe they don’t exist… I think.
Jeff: Huh?
Analyn: Okay, this person? Did not play the
game. There are all manner of not-human things running about in Xenosaga.
Realians, robots, life recycling variants, whatever the hell chaos is ...
actually, out of all the playable characters, I think Shion is the only human
playable in Episode 1. For someone to say in a Xenowhatever fic that "not
human = don't exist" is pretty much the same as standing up and saying "Hello,
my name is _________ and I didn't play 30 minutes of this game."
KOS-MOS: Is that person a ghost?
Eddie: Wouldn't a person from the Xenosaga universe
say gnosis?
Analyn: Well, if your Xenoexperience was limited
to looking on the back of the case one day in EB Games, then you wouldn't
know that, would you.
chaos: … I don’t know.
KOS-MOS: I see. –Sits down next chaos and, instinctively, lays her head
down on his lap and closes her eyes.-
Analyn: Whoa-hoa. This is all more hilarious
when we realize that chaos is some sort of bizzaro angelish savior thingie.
chaos: -Blushes- Ah-uh-KOS-MOS... :0
KOS-MOS: Yes, chaos?
chaos: … Uh, nothing, forget it.
-A few silence filled minutes later-
Jeff: Well, we know why KOS-MOS wasn't talking.
Her mouth was full of --
Analyn: Bad! Down!
KOS-MOS: -Opens her eyes and looks at chaos- … chaos.
chaos: Yeah?
All: That's my name, don't wear it out.
KOS-MOS: -Faint blush appears- I want to know something, but in order
to understand it, I…
chaos: Hum? –Looks down at KOS-MOS- What is it? What do you need to
understand?
KOS-MOS: I want you to kiss me.
chaos: Ah-uh-kiss you? –Blushes hysterically- Why?
Analyn: Wow. Okay, this fic? Written by a girl.
If you ask a man to kiss you, you very rarely get, "What? Why would I touch
a girl?"
Jeff: Unless it's you.
Analyn: Hate you, Jeff.
Jeff: Hate you too, Annie.
KOS-MOS: I just want to know.
chaos: -Not knowing why he has to do so, he kisses KOS-MOS tenderly-
KOS-MOS: -Eyebrows furrow and pulls away- You are right.
chaos: Huh, what do-
KOS-MOS: I am a non-existing human.
Eddie: OUCH.
Jeff: Rejected.
Analyn: When someone's a bad kisser, my girl
KOS-MOS doesn't muck around.
chaos: What? I don’t understand.
Analyn: I just realized something. If she wanted
to kiss a dude to prove she was human, shouldn't she kiss another
human?
Eddie: Hey, you're right. Since Jin's not running
around, I guess this takes place during episode one, meaning the only human
male running around is Allen.
Jeff: Or the Elsa crew.
Analyn: But Tony's pretty flaming, Captain Mathews
is a boozer, and ... Hammer. Man, I guess all her choices suck. Carry on.
KOS-MOS: I asked you to kiss me because when two people kiss they feel
warmth and love…
Eddie: Or at least a bit of alcohol and
indigestion.
Jeff: [KOS-MOS] At least ... the people in those
videos Allen watches when he gets lonely look warm when they kiss...
But I, I could not feel warmth… :(
chaos: -Eyes widen-
KOS-MOS: … Nor love, and that makes me a non-existing human.
chaos: No you're-
Analyn: ... not a sorority whore. Seriously,
what's the big deal here? You kissed a random dude and it wasn't fun. This
is a ZOMG BIG DEAL why?
-The bright blue happy clouds turn to depressed dark grey clouds. Thunder
booms and lightning crashes. The waves rock violently.
[Eddie begins to hum "Party Hard" by Andrew W. K.]
The sand hardened, the flowers wilted, and the tress died. The scene washed
away, chaos tried to hold KOS-MOS in his arms, but her body shattered into
white lights that faded away, and chaos was left alone in the dark-
Analyn: He's been searching for a while.
Jeff: For traces of the love she left --
Eddie: Inside his lonely heart.
Anonymous: The target has denied all contacts. Simulation test results:
failed.
Jr.: -Pokes chaos- Is he dead?
Shion: -Slaps Jr.- Stop that!
Jeff: [Testosterone!Shion] You fucking stop
that THIS GOD DAMNED INSTANT you worthless maggot piece of shit! Drop and
give me twenty!
Jr.: OW! x.x
MOMO: Look he’s waking up!
chaos: -Opens eyes lazily- Ughh, what happened?
Shion: It seems KOS-MOS kept you there longer then she kept us. What
happened?
Eddie: Dude ... he JUST ASKED YOU THAT.
chaos: We-I-
Jeff: She polished my pole, told me I was a
bad kisser, made stuff die, and then you beat the hell out of Jr. and asked
me what happened.
KOS-MOS: Don’t tell them… Please.
Analyn: [chaos, loudly] Don't tell them what?
Don't tell them that you kissed me and it was so bad that you decided you
weren't human?
chaos: Okay.
Everyone: What? O.o
chaos: Uh, you didn’t- No forget it… -Gets up from chair and leaves
room-
Eddie: This is "Morning After A Fantastic Amount
of Binge Drinking -- The Fanfiction."
----------------------------------------
WELL!
Jeff: Well WELL!
What do you think? I personally think its better cause, well I have my
reasons!
Analyn: Better than WHAT? Maybe you're a better
typist than the average Pokemon fan, but after that...
–Hides cxKM shrine-
Jeff: Will not snark on other's fandoms. Will
not snark on other's fandoms.
Uh, R and R please!
LP
Eddie: R and R. Railroad?
Jeff: List of things I want this fic to get
hit by: train. Thank you, and good night.