I am slowly but surely making better changes to my formatting of this
story.
Analyn: Might I suggest a few more changes,
while we're at it?
I hope yall enjoy it!
Jeff: Today's fanfic brought to you by Dukes
of Hazard.
Ganondorfson:
Eddie: Holy cow! Another one that's delusional
about being in Hyrule! Is this a disease? Is this contagious?
Thank you so much for that nice comment!
Analyn: Nothing like getting your wankfest
wanked.
I read it through my e-mail alert, because Im not sure how to read
reviews on the website yet! Can someone out there help me with this? I know
it sounds retarded, but hey, what can I do?
Jeff: ... wow. Yeah, it does "sound
retarded."
Analyn: See that little link next to "Reviews"?
Click on it. Magic things happen, and then the tooth fairy comes down from
Heaven and gives everyone a prize.
Disclaimer: Since I didnt say it before, Im gonna say it now:
I do not, never did, or never will own Zelda or any of its original
characters.
Eddie: Could have fooled me.
Analyn: But that's okay, because you've got
spirit.
I DO however own Serenity and Star Streak,
Jeff: Own? Sweetie, you freaking ARE...
so if you want to use them for something, just email me to get the okay
first, please?
Analyn: Wait, what?
Jeff: Writing fanfiction of a fanfiction, that's
just a little sad ... especially when it's fanfic of this thing.
Alright, done with that, so here is this!
CHAPTER 3: THE TRUTH IS REVEALED
Eddie: Santa? Real.
Jeff: Jimmy Hoffa? Buried under Atlantis.
Analyn: Dick Clark? Robot.
Come in Link and guest!
[All laugh]
Analyn: Did Serenity not enter her name at the
start screen?
Jeff: Dead serious, WHO SPEAKS LIKE THIS? Has
the author ever spoken to real people?
Analyn: She's written a thirty-four chapter
Freudian romp about her and Link doing it. You tell me.
a warm greeting met them as they entered the house.
Eddie: Just ... like ... what, then, the concept
of a salutation was at the door?
Jeff: Geez, talk about your twentieth-century
interpretive literature.
Impa sure was a sight for Serenity to see.
Analyn: As Captain Obvious takes to the skies
once again. Really, was Impa a sight for her to hear, or what else were we
to assume there?
She was tall and thin with a muscular build. Her crimson-colored
eyes
Jeff: Bingo! I was wondering when we'd get to
the flowery eye description.
Eddie: I'm still shocked that Mary Serenity
doesn't have sapphire eyes.
stared through strands of grey hair in a pleasant tone.
Analyn: ... huh!? A pleasant ... tone?
Like a sound?
Jeff: Her hair was ... singing, I guess?
Eddie: Ooo! Ooo! [sings] Give me down to there,
hair, shoulder length or longer!
She was wearing an armor-like top and blue shorts.
Eddie: So, what, she's sporting her Maiden Forms
and some gym shorts here? What'd she do, fall in Hyrule Castle's laundry
basket?
Impa smiled, Do not fear my appearance, young lady, Serenity
was startled, Oh, Im not, I was just...
Analyn: I fear the grammar in this sentence.
A period, a period, my kingdom for a period!
Jeff: Or a verb that means that one of them
spoke. You can't smile or startle a sentence.
Surprised to see a lady in armor?
Jeff: [Serenity] What? Oh, no, it's cool, I've
done kinkier. Ever seen a chick in a fox suit with bondage gear? Man, that's
hot.
I am Impa, and I am a Shiekah.
Analyn: And I am still wondering where all this
unnatural dialouge is coming from.
Eddie: [sings] Impa, limpa, dimp-a-dee
dee...
We are a mystical tribe of people and we have the ability to read into
other peoples minds and thoughts.
Jeff: Well, really? Because right now, I'm thinking
that this was absolutely nowhere in canon.
Thats how I knew what you were thinking,
Eddie: [Impa] Just as an aside, don't bend over
in front of the king of Hyrule. Or the queen, either, but you're not supposed
to know that one.
Impa winked at her, among other things, Im sure.
Jeff: Oh, man, she really is coming on
to her!
She turned to Link, Give us leave for a while,
Analyn: Yea, good sir. Verily.
Eddie: Did she even speak like this in the
game!?
the festival starts in about two hours.
Jeff: Did we ever figure out why we're having
a festival?
Analyn: No, but at this point, a Bacchanalia
sounds really freaking good.
I will give her one of Zeldas old dresses to wear. Link nodded
and left the house.
Eddie: Man, dude is WHIPPED ...
Jeff: So, the Hero of Time just wandered off
because a castle servant said to.
Analyn: At least he followed canon and did it
silently.
Once he was gone, Impa turned to Serenity. The look in her eyes told Serenity
that she had not just seen Serenitys awkwardness about her, but something
even more important.
Analyn: There's a lot of things more important
than how awkward she is!
Jeff: Wait, Link never figured out who she was,
did he.
Eddie: Huh, I don't think so. That means that
he couldn't tell Impa. So Impa doesn't know.
Analyn: And yet she'll let her into her home
and clothe her without questions?!
Jeff: I'm now convinced that in this fanfic,
people walk around and things happen and the two aren't related.
You have no idea who you are or what you mean to this land, do
you?
Eddie: Who is she, some high school guidance
councilor?
Serenity sighed and said, no, not really. I have been having these
strange dreams lately, and they keep becoming more and more vivid. Its
like my whole life has been nothing but a lie.
Jeff: Your dreams make your life a lie. Wow.
That's almost a complete logic disconnect.
Impa smiled, Not a lie, my dear, think of it as more of a disguise
than anything.
Analyn: [Impa] As a matter of fact, if your
dreams just so happen to be at night, that means that your entire life is
painted in clown white.
I believe I can tell you all you need to know.
Eddie: Really? Cool beans. So, how do you pronounce
Faierikin?
Really? Then explain this on my leg, Serenity stated as she
rolled up her pant leg.
Jeff: She will take it off for ANYONE,
won't she.
Analyn: [Impa] Sweetheart, that's a bug bite.
You probably got that from pulling your pants up so much.
Impa glanced down at the mark and her eyes grew wide,
Eddie: [Impa] You have a rose tattoo? Hey, who's
"Jenny"?
This is the sacred symbol of the Faierikin tribe! You really ARE
the chosen one, arent you?
Jeff: HOW THE HELL SHOULD WE KNOW THAT?!
Analyn: Something hit me. Did Mary Serenity
ever even tell Impa her name?
Impa set the table for two
Eddie: Poor Link, does he just have to eat the
dirt outside?
Jeff: [Impa] Don't worry about Link, he's got
some bottles of milk. He'll live.
and started cooking some food on the stove,
Analyn: Any sort of food. It was plain flavored.
You can cook it any way you like, too.
Sit with me and we will discuss everything.
Jeff: Penalty. For Serenity to be able to sit
with Impa, Impa must be sitting.
Analyn: But you know what? I think we'll finally
get our questions answered about who Serenity is and what a Faierikin is
and how you say Faierikin and what this whole 'save Hyrule' bit is and --
An hour passed by in the blink of an eye.
Analyn: Oh no. Author, no. You're not gonna
do this to me, are you? Not gonna leave a brother hanging, right?
The two had discussed everything from Serenitys ancestors, to why
she was banished to the human world, to what the legend of the
last Faierikin held for her.
Analyn: Damn it! These are not answers, these
are topics! You're not allowed to bring issues up like this and then drop
them! This is lazy and irresponsible writing!
Jeff: Silly, this just means we can get to the
hot hot Link loving faster.
Impa knew of everything and would guide Serenity as far as she could.
Serenity was starting to grow great respect for Impa, for she was a very
intelligent person.
Eddie: [Author] Well, I can develop this gently
through the entire work, weaving a rich tapestry and adding resonance to
whatever my theme is, or I can throw it in a sentence and leave it.
So I was sent to my world for protection from the King of Evil,
given the disguise of a human, and have no memory of my life here at all,
hu? Serenity asked, sipping the last of the water from her
cup.
Jeff: So, she's ... Super Man? What?
Analyn: Of course she isn't, Super Man had a
weakness.
Impa nodded, It sounds horrible, I know, but with the help of myself,
Link, and Zelda, I believe we can figure this whole thing out before the
Evil One returns.
Eddie: What whole thing?
Analyn: [Impa] We'll get the crossword done,
I swear it.
One question I do have is what is the choice I am going to have
to make?
Jeff: [Impa] You'll need to pick between Almond
Joy, which has nuts, and Mounds, which ... don't.
The goddesses told Serenity of a life-altering decision that she will
have to face in the peril of danger.
Analyn: Thanks for telling us what happened
in the last chapter we read ten minutes ago, fanfic! Please continue to assume
we're stupid!
Impa frowned, Im not sure if I can answer that or not, for
I dont know either. Her expression turned to a smile,
Eddie: [Impa] Man, I love it when I don't
know stuff!
come now, all this serious talk has left us with no mood for
celebrating.
Jeff: Wait, what are we celebrating?!
Cheer up!
Jeff: Why?
There is a festival tonight!
Jeff: WHAT FESTIVAL?!
You must join us!
Jeff: WHY!? WHY!? I hate you, fanfic. I do.
Analyn: Everybody, FEST!
Come, I have the perfect dress for you.
Analyn: Tee hee, let's play dress up!
Eddie: I'm calling excessively long and flowery
description of Mary Serenity in this dress.
Impa was right; the dress was stunning.
Jeff: La la, didn't match Mary Serenity's beauty,
ho hum ...
It was light blue in color and set just off of Serenitys delicate
shoulders.
Analyn: Gag. Is there any other way?
She looked in the mirror and almost gasped: she looked simply
amazing.
Jeff: You are KIDDING me. Is this author
serious?!
Analyn: For the record, every chapter has featured
a description of Mary Serenity, and every other description has mentioned
how awesomely awesome she looks. Literally.
The light blue of the dress contrasted beautifully with her brown (almost
almond) hair, and brought out the blueness in her eyes,
Eddie: I so freaking called it.
Analyn: ALMOST almond. But not quite. I was
on the fence, there, fanfic, thanks for clarifying.
Wow, this is too much Impa. You shouldnt
have.
Jeff: Literally, you shouldn't have, as you've
just fueled Mary Serenity's ego.
Eddie: Oh, no, nothing's ever too much for OUR
Sweetheart Serenity.
Analyn: [Impa] Hey, don't mention it. By the
way, what's your name?
Impa smiled, This is one of the Princesses old gowns. It fits you
perfectly.
Analyn: Because Mary Serenity has the figure
of a princess, naturally!
Jeff: We can pretend Zelda has been hitting
the chocolate hard if you prefer ...
A princess wore this?! I thought you said this was from someone
named Zelda.
Jeff: I'm going to pretend that Serenity is
up on 1920s literature and isn't actually this out of the loop.
Impa laughed, Zelda IS the princess. She is a most wonderful person,
and I know she will love to meet with you. She will be here tonight, should
you wish to speak with her.
Eddie: [Impa] She'll be busy festing. She's
celebrating that thing, too. You know, with the stuff.
Serenitys eyes lit up,
Jeff: I'm going to pretend that they lit up
because she ran some voltage through her body. That'd just be awesome.
I would love to! I cant wait to meet her!
Analyn: Notice that most everything is sugar
sweet sunny roses in this fic?
Jeff: Ask yourself if you want to deal with
Mary Serenity's OMG ANGST later on.
Analyn: This is true.
She then turned to the mirror again, her smile slowly fading, I
wish my ears didnt look so different from yours; I feel so out of place
here.
Eddie: [Serenity] Man. If only I had something
long and fuzzy and almost but not quite almond on my head to cover them up
with!
You can change that, you know, Impa implied, you can
do almost anything with the power you have received.
Analyn: I have to go cry now. I'll be right
back.
Serenity turned to her, but the goddesses said that I had to have
that Staff to use my powers, didnt they?
Jeff: Penalty! They did not!
Eddie: Hey, you're right.
Analyn: I guess this power involves making up
and changing parts of the story.
Only if you want to cast big spells like defeating evil demons and
monsters, Impa informed her, altering your image is almost a
magicians trick compared to some of the battles youll be
facing.
Analyn: But gee, why would she want to alter
her perfectly perfect appearance? I'd think the monsters would see her, decide
they didn't want to marr her face, and turn tail.
A thought came to Serenity suddenly,
Jeff: Did it hurt?
Speaking of that, the goddesses also said that I am supposed to
be fighting beside the legendary Hero of Time, who is that
anyway?
Analyn: Oh, fanfic, please don't play this game,
it hurts physically at this point ... anyone reading this already knows canon,
you don't need to reteach it, I swear...
Impa grinned, Oh dont worry about him, and hell reveal
himself when the time is right.
Eddie: Isn't revealing yourself illegal?
Now about that image of yours... She started searching her bookshelf
for an old spell book that she used to use, Ah ha! Here is the spell
that you must say in order to alter your image to a
Faierikin.
Jeff: [Impa] Whoa, actually, it's just a list
of stuff for a Faierikin costume. You need fishnet stockings, a tye-dye leotard,
a light-up necktie, a foam rubber cowboy hat, a Yankees t-shirt, some body
glitter, knee-high yellow pleather boots, and some Christmas lights. Your
ancestors had no taste, by the way.
Serenity looked over the words, which were written in ancient Faierikin
tongue, I cant read this! I dont know how!
Eddie: [Serenity] Darn it all, even I
can't say Faierikin!
Analyn: You know what the hell of it is? Somewhere
out there, there's a copy of MSWord with the word "Faierikin" in the
dictionary.
Just trust yourself, Serenity, and it will come to you, Impa
coached.
Jeff: Sounds like directions for taking a
dump.
Serenity looked at the book and sighed. Then she started forming the first
few words under her breath.
Analyn: Want to hear the words I've been
forming under my breath since the fic began?
Light started to glow all around her as she said them louder.
Eddie: Oh, good, so now Mary Serenity is Joan
of Arc.
Soon she didnt even have to look at the book; she knew what was
needed to be done.
Jeff: She was needed to be taking an English
course was what.
When she was done,
Analyn: Wait, I'm lost. What did she do?
Eddie: Does it matter? It was perfect and it
made her light up all pretty.
she faced Impa, who smiled and said,
Jeff: [Impa] You know? That gown actually makes
you look fat.
It suits you, look. Serenity turned slowly and looked in the
mirror again. Not much had changed, she still had her radiant
beauty,
Analyn: Oh my GOSH. I'm gagging more than a
bulimic patient right now. It's going to get to the point where every other
sentence is how pretty Mary Serenity is. Heck, why do we need a plot? Why
do we need a storyline? Why do we need other characters? I give up! Why do
we need other sentences?! Let's just write thirty-four chapters of "Pretty
awesome beautiful gorgeous Serenity wow guys love her?!" Cut out the middle
man, fic, you know you want to!
but one thing was notably different: her ears were no longer rounded on
top. They had taken their true form and were pointy like Links and
Impas.
Eddie: And Satan's, may I remind you.
Serenity smiled and said, Wow, now I feel like I
belong,
Analyn: [Serenity] I mean, before, I was WAAAAY
better than everyone, but now that I've messed up my ears, I'm only astoundingly
better than everyone!
she turned to Impa, please dont tell Link about this, I want
to tell him myself.
Eddie: Because he won't figure it out when he
sees them?
Impa nodded as Serenity fixed her hair so her ears didnt
show.
Analyn: Question! Why did we not do this
earlier?
Jeff: Answer! Because ... well, rats, I've got
nothing.
She would surprise him later.
Eddie: MAN does that sound like she's gonna
strip.
Soon after, there was a knock at the door.
Jeff: [Whoever's knocking] We're the Convenience
Brigade! Does anyone need a convenient knock?
Come in Link! Impa called.
Eddie: [Whoever's knocking] But I'm actually
a criminal, here to steal your possessions ad rape your family members..
Analyn: [Impa] Come on in, it's all good!
Link entered and grinned, sarcasm heavy in his voice, Gee, how did
you ever know it was me? Impa met his sarcasm, Lucky
guess.
Analyn: I think it's implied here that Link
is the only visitor to Impa's home. Is Impa a shut in now?
Jeff: A telepathic shut in. Bye, Canon Impa!
Here is your lovely lady all cleaned up. She stepped out of the
way and Serenity walked up to him. His expression changed from boyish grin
to complete awe, Wow, I... uh... I dont know what to
say...
Analyn: I've got some words you can use, Link.
Most of them have four letters in them.
Jeff: Annie!
Serenity blushed, Is it that bad? Link shook his head quickly,
his cheeks turning pink, no, no, its not that, you look
amazing.
Eddie: Yaa! No! No, no! That's it, I demand
that everyone wear traditional Kabuki Theater pancake makeup for the rest
of the piece so we don't have to deal with this again.
She smiled and said, Shall we? He nodded and the two of them
headed to the festival.
Jeff: No "thank you for saying I look nice?"
Jerk.
Analyn: Perhaps it's a manners festival.
Well, theres chapter three.
Analyn: And there's our ficbitch.
I think I might be getting the hang of this posting thing! LOL.
Eddie: Really, what is wrong with this author?
Millions of twelve-year old fans who can barely put together a sentence correctly
use Fanfiction.net every day to share their gay incest Yu Gi Oh! lemons.
This chick seems to have a rudimentary grasp of the English language, and
uploading and posting still eludes her?!
In case any of you smart-asses out there think it, Im NOT BLONDE,
just a little slow sometimes!
Analyn: Actually, I'd venture a guess and say
your hair is almost almond. But, yanno, not quite.
ï
Jeff: Did ... did this fic just swear at us?
Like it? Hate it? Comment if ya want to!
Analyn: Authors really really need to quit saying
this one.
Four will be right behind this one, so....
Jeff: Isn't four behind five?
Well, peoples, here is chapter four (uploaded right, hopefully!) Sorry
about posting chapter 3 twice! -- Im still trying to get the hang of
this! LOL.
Eddie: I'm ... I'm in awe.
Jeff: Seriously, how does she continue to figure
out what buttons to press on that darn keyboard?
Anyway, just to warn possible flamers (you know who you
are!!!!!)
Jeff: Yo.
Eddie: Right here.
Analyn: Present and accounted for.
Eddie: Actually, don't we just give sarcastic
critisism?
Analyn: In Fanfic Land, if it ain't blind wanking
praise, it's a flame.
Things are beginning to heat up between Serenity and Link in this
chapter.
Analyn: Wait, this would cause flames WHY?
Eddie: [Fangirl] OMG Link's gonna hook up with
MEEE!!
If you pay attention to the dialogue, youll realize that things
are out of their control in a way.
Jeff: Wait ... does she mean falling in love
is out of their control?
Analyn: Oh, I'm sorry, like people PLAN who
they'll be in love with?
Im not going to say any more, just that itll make more sense
in the future (hopefully!)
Eddie: Author, dearest, your foreshadowing makes
me think of running a kitten over in a mack truck.
Now for reviews:
Ganondorfson: You are so becoming my favorite person right now!
Analyn: Does he just have some sort of Mary
Sue fetish, or what's going on?
It is so nice of you to review this story and help me out like
this!
Jeff: I'm hoping he's helping her see this story
for the Sue-riffic wankfest it is.
Eddie: I'm hoping he's helping her see the Review
Button.
Thank you thank you thank you!!! I think I shall give you a cookie hands
over a cookie Yay!!!!!
Analyn: For some crazy reason, I'm reminded
of those small, yappy dogs.
Jeff: Really? Huh. Why's that?
Analyn: I honestly have no idea.
And now, without further adu... here is chapter 4!
CHAPTER 4: JOURNEY TO THE PIECE OF LIGHT
Jeff: But light isn't a physical thing, therefore
one can't have a piece --
Analyn: Shh. It will be shiny and pretty and
highlight Mary Serenity's features.
The whole village was there it seemed.
Eddie: They wanted to bask in Mary Serenity's
glow, what?
The celebration was for the years wonderful and bountiful
harvest.
Jeff: WELL FINALLY.
Analyn: We couldn't have been told this earlier
why?
There was music, food, dancing, lights, the whole she-bang.
Analyn: Oh, I hope the Harvest Sprite blesses
us this year!
Jeff: I'm gonna ask Maria the mayor's daughter
to dance with me!
Eddie: I hope I don't drop the bottle of perfume
I bought!
Serenity was thrilled and having the time of her life.
Jeff: Wait, a Harvest Festival is the highlight
of her twenty-odd years on this planet? Yup. She's southern.
Link was wonderful,
All: Oh SIGH.
and he never left her side the whole time.
Eddie: He never RIGHT her side, either! Ha!
Ha, ha!
[pause]
Eddie: Ha ha?
Analyn: Loverly try, but no.
The two of them sat down after yet another jig and tried to catch their
breath. A silvery voice called out, Link! Is it you?
Jeff: [Serenity] Wait, is someone addressing
someone else besides me? I'm lost and confused!
Link looked up and smiled, Well, Ill be,
All: A-HYUCK!
if it isnt her majesty herself. He got up and bowed. Serenity,
having a delayed reaction, jumped up and tried to curtsey, stumbling just
a little. Zelda giggled.
Eddie: Actually, looks like Zelda might be good
for this fic.
Jeff: Yeah, I bet she puts Mary Serenity in
her place.
Analyn: Sheah. Right. I call labored confession
scene where Zelda surrenders her love for Link so that he can be happy with
Serenity.
Jeff: ... darn you, Annie, I hate you when you're
right.
She was stunning: Her golden blonde hair slightly pulled back by her golden
tiara, which matched with all the other gold jewelry on her.
Analyn: I guess that she wasn't as special as
Serenity, as Serenity got a sentence. Well, more than one, but you catch
my drift.
Jeff: Bling bling, yo.
Her dress was white and violet, with shades of blue and pink.
Jeff: I notice that we only get one sentence
on color, while, with Serenity, we also got a description of fit and how
wonderfully wonderful it made her look.
You must be the famous Serenity that I have heard so much
about,
Eddie: Gag!
she then curtsied a little herself,
All: GAG!
I am Zelda, princess of Hyrule, and I officially welcome you to
our land. I hope you stay for a while.
Analyn: [Serenity] Well, I've got a thirty-four
chapter stint, so why not?
I would love to hear tales of your world.
Eddie: But what about Sonic or Knuckles?
Serenity smiled, I would love that your majesty, it would be my
pleasure. Zelda clasped her hands together with
Serenitys,
Jeff: Saaaaay!
Analyn: Stop it!
Wonderful! Then we shall meet tomorrow in the castle
courtyard.
Eddie: So help me, if there's a chapter on
hedge-hiding and guard-dodgng...
You and Link will be staying there tonight after the festival, if that
is alright.
Jeff: Wait, she's gonna make them sleep in the
courtyard?
Serenity could barely contain her excitement, for she had never been in
a castle before,
Analyn: [Serenity] Well, except for the one
in Wales that Daddy bought for me and Star Streak.
of coarse it is! Thank you so much your majesty! Zelda laughed,
Please, my dear, call me Zelda.
Jeff: [Zelda] And Link, you're welcome to call
me Nurse Nasty, wink wink.
See you later! She then walked off to greet some of the other townsfolk
at the festival. The music had changed into a slow waltz, and Link turned
to Serenity and held out his hand, care to dance? Serenity blushed
and nodded.
Analyn: Head spinning. If this waltz is as long
as this sentence, we may be in for it.
The two of them joined the circle and began to dance as if they were meant
to be there.
Eddie: Wait, they weren't meant to be
there? Like, what, they busted in or something?
She didnt notice at first, maybe because she was concentrating so
hard on the dance, or maybe it was that she was lost in those innocent blue
eyes of his,
Jeff: Or maybe it was the overwhelming stench
of peasant ...
Analyn: Or maybe he was too busy clomping all
over her feet with those huge boots ...
Eddie: Or maybe it was the fact that he was
wearing tights ifyouknowwhatImean ...
but the two of them were moving closer to each other, and further away
from the festival, until
Analyn: -- until they had actually fused their
torsos together.
they were off by themselves in a patch of moonlight.
Eddie: [sings] Alone in the moonlight ...
Jeff: A patch? What, like you can grow this
stuff? Like you can buy seeds for a few cents at Wal-Mart?
They had stopped dancing by now, and were so close to each other that
they could feel each others breath.
Jeff: [Link] Yuck, Serenity, it's called a
toothbrush.
The two of them stood there,
Analyn: As opposed to performing open-heart
surgery there.
as if they were in a trance.
Jeff: To be fair, that's awesome music.
Finally, Link broke the silence.
Eddie: With the Megaton hammer? Oh, please!
That'd be awesome! He can follow along behind her pink tank ...
You really look amazing, Serenity, the tone of his voice was
so quiet and soothing, that it took Serenity by surprise.
Analyn: [laughs] I love it! His voice soothed
her so much that it shocked her!
Thank you, I... she trailed off, not really knowing what to
say. It didnt matter; Link put a finger to her lips, shushing her
gently.
Jeff: Wait, he's shushing her, but she's not
saying anything ... ?
Analyn: This fic is slowly working its way to
having complete and total logic disconnects in every sentence.
Eddie: "Suddenly, Link magically morphed into
Mario without changing a bit."
Their two heads moved closer together.
Eddie: Clunk!
Jeff: I'm flashing back to a bunch of Three
Stooges sketches right about now.
Wait, Serenity whispered.
Analyn: Hold it. Doesn't she still have his
finger on her lips?
Jeff: "'Mmmph,' Serenity whispered."
He stopped, his lips inches away from hers.
What is it? Serenity was having a whirlwind of
emotions.
Jeff: Oh, no! She's gonna sing, isn't she!
Eddie: [sings] I think, I feel, I fear I'm
in!
Jeff: How did I know that you'd supply the correct
line from some Broadway hit.
Eddie: I'm like a musical theater ninja, that's
why.
She had never felt this way about any guy, and shes known Link
for about four or five hours!
Analyn: She liked him so much her tenses were
changing!
Link, you dont even know me,
Eddie: [Serenity] You're trying to be all up
in my Kool-Aid, and you don't even KNOW my flava'!
Jeff: From Broadway nut to gangsta in nothing
flat. You frighten me, Eddie.
Eddie: It's okay, you'll have the chance to
scare us in a second.
Jeff: Why thank -- HEY!
how do you know you can trust me? He paused for a moment, and whispered
to her, as strange as you may find this, I dont
care.
Jeff: So, Link's either stupid or kinky.
Analyn: Or both.
He then gently put his lips against hers and they meshed
together
All: VULCAN LIP MELD!
in a beautiful first kiss. Serenity thought she was going to
faint.
Analyn: Really? I think I'm going to barf.
She opened her eyes to find his looking deeply at her.
Eddie: [Serenity] PERVERT!
They both smiled and started walking together. Serenity knew that she
had to tell Link sooner or later,
Jeff: Tell him what?!
Analyn: Her name, remember?
so she figured that this was the best time to tell him: when they were
alone. Link, I need to confess something to you. He turned to
look at her, slight concern forming in his eyes.
Eddie: Really? I thought you only get those
when you're older. I guess Serenity's gonna need laser surgery --
Analyn: Not CATARACTS, you fool!
Its nothing bad, she continued, smiling to reassure
him,
Analyn: [Serenity] It's just that I'm really
into SBDM and I need a partner. How do you feel about spikes?
I just think you need to know the truth about me. She sighed
and smiled slightly, Im not exactly who you think I am.
With that, she pulled back her hair, revealing her newly acquired Faierikin
state.
Jeff: Wait, WHAT?! Didn't she just get her ears
fixed so that she looked like Link? Theoretically, her ears shouldn't tell
him ANYTHING ...
Analyn: I really just want to kill something
at this point.
Links eyes got wide and he smiled, Tell me everything you
know.
Eddie: Two minutes later...
They sat there for hours,
Analyn: Oh, yeah RIGHT.
as Serenity unfolded the mystery of her life to Link, and her conversation
with Impa.
Eddie: Which we still don't know and we're still
waiting to find out.
Link was such an attentive listener. He was amazed at how she had even
been able to think after what had happened to her in the past 48
hours.
Jeff: Yeah, I'd be dazed and confused too if
someone took me in, gave me a nice meal, dressed me up and sent me to a party
where I fell in love with the Hero of Hyrule.
Then, the same thought came to Serenity as it did when she was talking
with Impa, the goddesses said that I am to do battle against the King
of Evil with the other chosen one known as the Hero of Time, do you know
who that is?
Analyn: PENALTY! Impa said there'd be "a
life-altering decision that she will have to face in the peril of danger."
None of this King of Evil stuff.
Jeff: Did the author even look at what she was
writing!?
Link sighed and looked ahead for a minute,
Eddie: Try looking BACK for a minute, maybe
you'd catch all your continuity errors.
his blue eyes studying something in the far distance, I had a feeling
that this was going to happen. Ganondorf couldnt stay banished
forever, He then turned back to Serenity, I have a confession
to make as well Serenity, he began, the Hero of Time... is
me.
All: DUN DUN DUN.
Analyn: Sorry, fanfic, but when you ask us to
play ignorant, we get mean.
She was stunned for a few minutes, but after thinking about it,
Jeff: I just got the image of Mary Serenity
staring blankly at Link for a good hour or so. That's attractive.
she understood completely, thats why everyone knows who you
are.
Eddie: [Link] That, and my popular late-night
talk show that follows Letterman.
He nodded, Yeah, thats why Zelda is letting us stay at the
castle as well.
Analyn: That, and she thinks she'll be getting
some.
Its my home away from home, I guess.
Jeff: Doesn't Link always live in some shack
mere yards away from the castle?
Eddie: [Link] It's my home right next to home,
I guess.
He sighed and turned to her, Im sorry I didnt tell you,
I guess I was... well, I dont know why, but Im
sorry.
Eddie: [Link] I guess I'd better tell you about
the eight other girls who want a piece of my Master Sword too, if you know
what I mean. Plus every single female gamer on the planet.
Analyn: Hey, you don't know that --
Jeff: Oh, shut up, Annie. You'd plow that fairy
in a New York minute given half a chance. I've seen you play Ocarina of Time,
you have to clean the drool off the TV afterwards.
Analyn: ... Samus.
Jeff: Fine, draw.
Serenity blinked a couple of times, "I kissed a legendary hero?" she thought
to herself, "go me!"
[All laugh]
Analyn: [Serenity] He's awesome, but I'm better
because I kissed him!
She smiled and said, Thats okay, I mean you didnt even
know who I was or where I came from, so I cant exactly blame
you.
Eddie: [Link] Plus there's that whole "we've
only known each other a couple of hours" deal.
Jeff: [Link] Hey, when are you gonna tell me
your name?
Link looked up at the sky, Its getting late, should we head
for the castle? Serenity nodded, and the two of them headed to where
Link had left Epona tied up. They mounted
All: WHOA!
Jeff: That Link, he's an operator!
and galloped to the castle,
Eddie: I ... I think I'm too young to read
this.
where Zelda informed the guards to let them in through the gate.
When they got to the room Zelda had prepared for Serenity, Link walked her
in and sat down.
Jeff: Whew. Yeah, after riding Serenity all
the way to the castle, I think the poor boy DESERVES a good sit.
She was in awe, for she had never been in such a glamorous room!
Analyn: [moan] MUST we do this again fanfic?
Can't Serenity get something slightly less than spectacular, just once?
The bed was huge
Jeff: Well, then what did Link bang her outside
for?
and had many different sized pillows on it that were of different shades
of red, pink and white. The comforter on top was pink and silky, and there
was a sheer canopy over the top of the bed. The floor was smooth marble,
and there was a closet, desk, and vanity
Eddie: I'll say there's some vanity here.
in the room, along with a door that led out to a small balcony.
Analyn: Good kitty, take off your clothes?
She plopped down next to Link and looked into his eyes, I guess
were going to be seeing a lot of each other in the coming days, hu?
He smiled and nodded, Yes, which is why I think we should start
tomorrow.
[All laugh]
Jeff: Worst dumping line ever!
Analyn: And after he sexed her all the way to
the castle, too.
Serenity raised an eyebrow, Start? Start on what?
Eddie: [Link] My "Precious Moments" doll collection,
silly!
Finding that Staff of Power.
Jeff: WHOA! Talk about your penis metaphor!
Analyn: Link is just insatiable, isn't he.
Legend has it that the goddesses broke it into seven pieces
Jeff and Eddie: OWWW!
when they found out that it was too powerful,
Analyn: Goodness gracious. How long are we going
to have to hear about Link's Mighty Man Meat?
and it caused fights between the races of Hyrule.
Jeff: When you consider that Link had nearly
one girl per race after him in Ocarina of Time, this line is just flat out
hilarious.
Serenity nodded, Youre right I guess, but the goddesses
didnt tell me where to even start looking. I have absolutely no idea
where to start.
Eddie: So, wait, do you not know where you should
start? Is that the problem?
Link smiled, I do. Come with me.
Jeff: [Link] We're going to check my tights.
He took her hand and led her to a secret passageway down a velvet covered
hallway to the basement of the castle.
Analyn: Took her hand? Secret passageway? Hallway?
Basement? Why, Dr. Sigmund Freud, it's so good to see you here!
Down there was an old reading room, with tons of books covered in dust
and cobwebs. The smell in the air was musty, like no one had been there for
years.
Jeff: You'll hit me if I make a tuna joke, won't
you, Annie.
Analyn: Yes.
There wasnt much light, but Serenitys body glowed enough to
light the way.
Analyn: What. The. Hell.
Link was startled at first, but Serenity giggled and shrugged, one
of the Faierikin perks, I guess.
Eddie: This fic, it's amazing. We keep reading
it, and I keep thinking, "There's NO WAY she could be any Sue-ier." And then
the author, she finds a way. I'm ... I'm awestruck.
He smiled and led her to a drawer.
I was wondering around the castle a while ago, and stumbled across
that secret passageway. I went exploring and found this room. After digging
through some stuff, I came across this. He opened the drawer and inside
was a dusty object that resembled a metal rod.
Analyn: Oh no. OH no. Oh, oh HELL no, they did
NOT just stumble on a metal dil--
Jeff: Maybe if we don't say it, it won't be
true!
Curious, Serenity picked it up.
Analyn: No!
It started glowing yellow
Analyn: NO!
and she smiled, this is it! This IS the first Piece of the Staff!
Oh Link I could just kiss you right now!
Eddie: Well, you already did once.
Jeff: Plus you let him mount you on the way
to the castle.
Eddie: And you're holding his light-up sex
toy.
Jeff: So seriously, a kiss? Not a big deal.
She was so excited she didnt even realize the words came right out
of her mouth until her eyes met Links, who said softly, then
why dont you?
Analyn: [Serenity] Because boys are icky.
She blushed as Link gently pulled her forward and pressed his lips to
hers. Neither of them knew it at the moment, but the glow surrounding Serenity
began forming around Link as well.
Jeff: It's contagious? I'm secretly hoping that
it's actually severe radiation poisoning or something.
The two opened their eyes and smiled as they looked around. Then a voice
whispered to them, almost singing,
Analyn: That BETTER not be Mr. B. Natural.
Well done, chosen ones. You have fulfilled the first part of your
destiny. Now make haste to the place where the lost children live.
Eddie: We're gonna have to pretend we don't
know what the Kokiri are, aren't we.
There you will find the second part of the treasure you seek. If thou
needest help, just give the word...
Jeff: [Voice] Just give a shout-out to thine
homies, y'all.
With that, the voice was gone.
Analyn: Because the voice was a physical presence
in the first place?
Was that what I thought it was? Link asked in amazement. Serenity
smiled, Farore, goddess of courage. Yes it was.
Jeff: I'm just bored and angry at this point,
so I'll be lazy and only call penalty at Serenity knowing the goddesses better
than Link.
He looked down at her, How do you know the difference? She
smiled again, Because I just know.
Analyn: [Serenity] Because the author's
lazy.
Come on, we need to get some sleep before tomorrow. Link nodded,
and the two of them went back upstairs and to their rooms. Tomorrow would
indeed be a long, hard day.
Jeff: Special challenge for the kids: Find one
clean thing in that line!
Well, there it is! Hope you enjoyed it!
Eddie: I want my afternoon back.
Please review me, people! I will give you a cookie if ya do! ;)
Analyn: I want a cookie, but I'm gonna guess
and say you won't give it to us.
Five will be along tonight sometime (If Im not too
tired!)
Jeff: Goodness! Cool it on the chapters, okay?
Take some time, savor the flavor...